It's okay, you don't have to be afraid.

I'm leaving.

I kept talking about how I wanted to use this blog to abandon my old life, but little bits and pieces still clung to it, for reasons that only I would know about.

I'm going to start a new blog, "Sleepless Beauty." This one will work. I'll make it work.

But I'll leaving "Outside Looking In" up here as memory, and as a reflection of how I've changed over the past half year.

All my love.

-Dead Rose

Don't fear the changing times.

I stopped lying. Not just about him to her, but about everything.

I failed a little, changed some and did better (sort of), failed a little more.

I stopped.

I cried.

I went through some fucked-up-in-the-head moments and realized how colloquial it was to even think that.

I told myself I was in love with her.

I told her I was in love with her. Of course I got rejected.

I cried some more.

I heard the truth and kept crying.

I told some truths myself. Later, though.

I found the inner depths of my soul in the least likely and yet most obvious place. It was nice but it didn't break my slump.

It did, however, almost break a friendship.

Then it repaired what was broken.

I wrote a song and realized that even then, as I was crying, that I had spent more time crying in that one week than I had in my entire life.

I made some resolutions. I don't think I followed up on any of them.

I was doing better but then I started to slip.

We made up. I haven't seen her yet.

I saw him and he ignored me. Maybe he's over me.

I realized some things that I should have realized a long long time ago.

I also know that even when I'm hurting, I can sit through the pain and things will all be better in the end.

All my love.

And not pretend I'm off again in my world.

OKAY!! So, from this moment on, I will officially be (probably) posting less frequently. Sure, I'll still do it, but I've also started a Miniscus blog and I need to work on that. I've hired a team of officials, all of whom I fully expect to do their jobs, and together we're going to start working on this project.

Sorry if anyone's disappointed... it's just that after clearing up a bunch of shit in my life, it's obvious that I need to begin doing what I want to do before it's too late. There's been all this controversy between me and some of my friends lately, plus I haven't been getting the best grades so my family is pissed as hell. Besides that, there was the whole Caitlin incident, you know?

But I'm doing really, really well for myself now. I had a hard time rejecting two guys who liked me - Splash and Josh - and I thought stuff was gonna be really, really awkward with both of them. Then we sat down and talked for a while about stupid shit in life and I think it's gonna be okay. There was this whole big fight between me and my three best friends, and then there was the huge make-it-up-outside-in-the-rain-dance and I love them love them looooooove them. My dad started tutoring me in French and as for Bio, I guess I just have to do more work and shit. I (obviously) suck at love, but my GLSBA friends have got my back - and oh yeah, speaking of which, I'm joining the animé cult on Mondays. I have art history and I kick ass, and about Johnathan? This is the ground I'm still shaky on.

His life is bullshit without me. I guess there's no denying that. There's also no fixing it, either. I was so fucking worried for a while that he would, like, try and convert me back to being straight. But I really wouldn't want to be with him even if I still liked guys.

So we're starting over, me and him.

Like I said in my last post, I'm writing a new yaoi. -squees- I have a huge new posse of otaku friends, and we're probably gonna all get together sometime soon.

But beyond it all and on forever, there is and will always be Miniscus. It's what I want and what I've got and what I love, and so now I've gotta shrug away all the other shit, fix all my issues and all that fuck, and honor my commitment like I've always said I would.

Later, dudes.

This will surely fade.

Well, I started writing a yaoi. There's something off about it though, that probably being its overall, um, lack of plot. Yeah. Rare writer's block.

-sobs- I need HAAALP.

I hate it when shit like this happens. I come up with some totally fantabulous idea, something that I'm fucking so fucking exCIted about, and then it just slips through my fingertips like sand. I'm dual-minded, then. A rage contained. And personally I blame the economy.

Like, I need my $$ bad. Without cash, I can't get supplies. Without supplies, my talent is suppressed, and when my talent is suppressed then inspiration is cut off from my body and that nice little flowing river of ideas suddenly hits a fucking DAM.

Damn.

So don't need that.

To be honest, I like the story. I'm a good-as-shit writer, with Lio, Liz and Mbob being the absolutefuckingawesomeesteditorsfuckingEVER, but I have no way to develop it. I want to get this shit published, you know?

It's just that, come on, there's no really way anyone else can get into Sei and Rioyuki's various excursions and escapades if I can't even write the fucking shit. Ah well - there's always media.

Qwerty <3

Just another day that I had the best.

I may have just had one of the best days of my life.

Me and the 4Some went and hung out at the park all day. It was wet and fun and disgusting and we got a million fucking videos for Facebook. I drank me some Monster, Ju Dra got stuck in a tree, and Mbob may in fact have sexually molested a gerbil. Ink was taking pictures the whole time, of course. It was so much fun... I'd totally forgotten how much I love getting my best friends together and doing random shit.

Also, I GOT MY SKETCHBOOK!! and I've been drawing so fucking much. I have Seis, Marano+Train, The Master, and this asshat fucking awesome picture of Tari choking Ëda Mimi to death. (Yes, the Mrain was a Cult Club request.) I love Miniscus. It's the shit. It really is.

And how about that election, huh? There's no way Obama's not gonna win. See? There, just for the record, I SO called that. Haha. All I have to say on that.

Basically, my life is amazingly fun right now. I don't know why. It just is, you know? I mean, it's FUCKING MARVEXIA DAY. 411 forever. And even though I wanted to have our big Cult gathering on AkuRoku day, this is almost as good, you know?

I'm just doing so good. I'm happy as shit, and I've figured out that I don't need to have reached perfection to love it all.

Gonna go watch Hitcher, bitches, and eat me some pocky. Tra tra!!

Qwerty <3

Ups and downs, my heart's a battleground.

So it's getting better, I think. Caitlin's still hot and still a bitch, and for some reason I'm pretty fucking sure she likes me because she's, like, obsessed with hating me. Uh, no. Not. Sorry. But there'll be other girls. I've still got Dez to make me feel better and I can wait around for a real girlfriend. I'm a lesbian; who said shit was gonna be easy for me? It's not. But I'm gonna live, yeah?

I've been depressed lately. Like, a lot. Josh and Sammy and thems are always wanting to hang out with me; there's a TAI concert coming up soon-ish at the Electric Factory, and I so would want to take Josh, except I haven't gotten out of the house much and I don't want to. I'm just not good with facing the world when I'm like this. I'm so tired and bored with life. LOL, or else I'm a fat lazy bastard who won't get off her ass and do shit. Probably the latter. I don't want to do anything though. I can't believe I'm turning down two of my best friends to just sit in my room and cry.

Josh told me he liked me, which made me really upset because he needs to stay gay. Srsly. Also I found out Julien likes me. See, this is precisely why I need the world to know I'm gay, because I've been asked out twice and I think Pizza Guy is stalking me. NO. REALLY.

But, yeah, in terms of the whole depression thingy I'm getting better. Dad spent his life's worth getting me a light table, LOL. I love my daddy. Hart. And I want CorelPainter, but until then I just need a new sketchbook. I'm so fucking tired of postponing Miniscus. So I'm happy right now. Especially because I'm gonna get a bearded dragon and I loooooove them bearded dragonz. Also... House. Yey, I love that show. Especially when the patients, like, get eaten alive by worms and shit. I hate that fucking SLUT DOCTOR though. -eats alive- Nom nom.

Happy and Monsterhigh. Qwerty, bitches! <3