Holding on to what I'm feeling.

Ex-fucking-hausted right now. I slept with my contacts in, tragically enough, and now my eyes feel like fuck, though it is probably all psychological. And damn, we had phys ed today and I just about died. Horrifying.

So what's new with me? Mainly it has to do with joining GLSBA, the gay-straight alliance at Central. -squee- I am SO happy. Seeing people there, who aren't afraid to show the world who they really are, just made me absolutely euphoric. It's every Tuesday, the one day a week when my sched's clear.

It'll sound cheesy as hell, but I really bonded with those people. Mikey, Gary and Reshana are some of the coolest human beings on the face on the planet. I was one of the only freshmen there but they all got along with me fair, so I had an overall fantastic time.

I love, love, love being out. When I heard some of their stories about homophobic parents and disownment, shit like that, it made me realize how shittin' lucky I am to have parents who totally accepted my sexuality, just like that. It's just an amazing freedom to go around and rub it in the face of my homophobes of classmates that I'm a lesbian. Their reactions always make me laugh.

Honestly, I used to be afraid of accepting this. Now, though, I don't think I could ever let it go. I like girls. And before it bothered me - not that I had a problem with it, I just never used to be that great on identity and stuff - but now it's one of my defining traits.

I love GLSBA. It's an amazing place to be, with amazing people to hang out with. My year has just been getting better and better. Ridiculous, how easily my problems can be fixed sometimes.

Then again... not like this was ever a PROBLEM.

Fuck you, homophobes. XD

Qwerty <3

And I wonder if I'm just built this way.

Well, here's to another shitty day gone by. To be honest, I'd rather blog for eternity or at least watch the eighth One Piece movie a couple more times, if not, say, The Grudge. But -sigh- I have homework to do. Yeah, life is bullshit.

So I'm procrastinating again. So what? I want to talk to the girl I love. I want to run around screaming. I want to write my manga, project my own hurt and confusion and pain right into the characters I love so dearly. I want to stab everything I see. I want to feel regret. I want to confess. I want to all at once live and die.

Unfortunately, it's the 21st century, and I have homework to do.

Why am I even bothering to write this, you ask? Because I'm trying to ponder the answer to a question. It always deeply, deeply bothers me when I am unable to do what I need to do and instead end up doing what I want to do - in short, procrastinating. Yup. I know, here we go again.

I do it a lot. PROBLEM!! It prevents me from catching up to everybody else in school. I just generally fall behind and go into a shitty mood. But music is a drug to me; I can't let go of it. I'm a manga addict, obviously. Can't really read or draw while solving equations, can you?

I just want to let go. To change myself for once. To evaporate the nervousness, the guilt that gnaws at me from the inside when I leave everything until the last minute. Unfortunately, I can't.

I was born this way, and all my life I will live this way. I will die this way.

Fuckers, do I hate homework.

Qwerty <3

There's no way to deny she's lovely.

I don't understand why Johnathan won't just go for this friend of his. Apparently she's smart, sweet, hot, you know. What else does he fucking want? But noooo, apparently she's a skank so he's just got to stay away from her.

What the fucking FUCK?!?

It makes zero sense to me how a guy's so afraid of rejection that he'll hold back. Guys are fucking dumbshits who can't see past their own hand in a stream of sunlight. There are, uh, obvious reasons I don't find them attractive; their general stupidity is one of them. Sure, I have plenty of guy friends. But honestly, I can't say I'd put Johnathan on that list.

He's an idiot. If he likes a girl, why can't he just go for it? Why would he ignore her over some stupid rumor? It it because he's wasting his time crying over me? Fuck that shit. I am so tired of him staying stuck on this.

I can't stand, can't stand, can't fucking stand him when he's like this. He doesn't even deserve my attention, that bitch. He's too obsessed with getting his old, allegedly "perfect" life back to focus on moving on. Well, guess what? He's just gonna screw things over more for himself.

I want to scream at him sometimes. He doesn't understand that this isn't some fantasy world where he can just wallow in his own misery and there won't be consequences. This is a reality. You who have been reborn, color your eyes without smiling alone (thank you, Sakuma-san). That's right, Johnathan.

Without. Smiling. Alone.

Without.

Qwerty <3

Suddenly burned to ash.

Okay, the other day I was at school and I got this assignment that got me thinking, like, way too much for schoolwork. It wasn't, like, even normal. Basically, I was instructed to write a paragraph about what I would do if I only had one year left to live.

Miniscus and Dez were the first two things that immediately came to mind. My series, of course, would have to be finished; that's not a dream I would ever let slip away, within or between life, death, and anything else. I would finish as much as I could, and leave my plans for the rest of the series in the hands of my sister(s) and best friend(s). Yeah, you decide where Ju Dra falls. I've made my choice.

With Dez... I guess I would try and go see her. Yeah, I definitely would. Maybe track her down, stalk her a little. LOL. But I'd obviously want to, like, genuinely meet her, interactive, voice-to-voice and face-to-face, before dying. One of my biggest wishes right there, bitches. Take it home.

Uh huh... and I'd turn all nice, and everything. Sell my shit. Do favors. Kiss my parents good night, you know? (Not that I don't already... oh, am I a n00b. Kya!) The point is, when I think deeply about this stuff it honestly makes me realize how much more I could be trying to accomplish in life. I'm a fucking loser and I sure am proud of it, but wouldn't you want to make yourself respected, or at least known, before you die?

I would be miserable that year. Not because I fear death - I mean, as long as it's both painless and fearless, I could accept it - but because I've got too many life goals. I'd never meet all of them. A year? Some serious fucked up shit, man.

But I guess that's the life of some people. When they learn the news, it's like their world turns to ash, suddenly and surely. Horrible. I pity them way too much to be healthy.

Do you want to see death coming? I don't want to be there when I die, but I'm still not sure if I want to know ahead of time.

Qwerty <3

Break me down, and bury me, bury me.

So I found out that the girl I love is going to have to make a decision involving me and her girlfriend. That's right. She's gonna have to choose between us. I'm not sure what initiated this, but I do know that I'm as nervous as hell, because if she gives up on me I'm gonna be a fucking train wreck for the rest of my life.

I freak out when I'm nervous, which is all the more upset. I tremble, I cry, and silent tears roll down my face as I rub my hands raw in an attempt to get warm, because all the blood has left my body and gone to my head. I can't think. Speak. Breathe.

I hate myself at these points of time. I want to destroy the inner core of my being, get on my hands and knees and beg someone to shoot me through the head. Ask them and plead them to end my existence, because anticipation is too great an emotion and I'll die anyway if I have to go through it for any longer.

But enough emo shit. I've got to find a distraction, and this is basically it. I'm not totally sure what'll happen to me if this girl chooses to stay with her current girlfriend. I'll freak, obviously. It won't be nerve-wracking anymore.

It won't, because I'll be dead inside.

This girl means the world to me, and if I really have to let her go so soon after finding her, after learning the purpose of my life (other than Miniscus), then... bad... things... will happen. Uh.

Yeah.

I'm not so good at letting people go. I'm even worse at getting them out of my head. But I've always managed to do it in the end. But she... she's different. Different from all the rest of them. Why? Because I love her. And I trust her. And she's barely met me but already she knows me, the real me, for who I am.

I love that. And I love her. So what's my purpose if I've gotta give her up?

Qwerty <3

Because it's now or never.

Well, today was weird. Kaitlin came back to school, even smiled at me a couple times, looking cute as always in her skinny jeans and pink converses, and I didn't even blink. It's insane how unmoved I am by her all of a sudden. I fell right out of love with that girl.

I swear, though, it's as if just when I stop liking her, I start having a chance with her. [That idiot] Justin - I love you anyway, Jus - told her that I thought she was hot, and she laughed and said, "I know," and gave me this huge, cute grin. A few days ago my heart would have been racing a million miles an hour. Today it sat calmly in my chest while I smiled back evenly.

What the fuck happened to "Kaitlin = love LIEK oh-em-gee" from last week? Why am I so suddenly changed? Today was my chance, my absolute number one chance, and yet I completely let it slide through my fingertips. And the strangest part was, I didn't even mind. I was totally cool with letting her walk away, no vow, no wink, no final word. She left and I left and it was the end of it.

I see myself as a moon, a fickle and unpredictable deity that watches, loves, learns, and lets go. I'm constantly shifting and changing like clouds. But most of all I'm like rain, because no matter how much I'm brushed away, I'm stubborn as shit when I want something... and then I leave, just like that. Damn, am I special.

Just kidding. Still, though, it'd be nice if I could control some of the shit I feel. But I can't. Hearts grow without permission, those sneaky little bastards.

Qwerty <3