You love me but you don't know who I am.

Heh. I just completely love how much time I spend on this shit, just blogging away. Well, it comes from trying to evenly balance all your emotions in front of collective personage. You have to find some way to spout them out, and actual written journals give me hand cramps.

Plus, as weak as it may sound, it vehemently yet lightly, ever so lightly, replays the memories in my head of my façade life - while paranoid and stickily romantic, it was also dead-on perfect, in a melancholy way. Donna and I have grown apart. There's no denying it really. It's nobody's fault, but especially not our own. We love each other just as much as we always did, but obviously the secrets aren't being spilled as hardcore fast as they used to be. And with Johnathan... well, obviously.

These were the two main recipients of my non-life. They took the biggest part in it and, in the end, it crashed down on them the hardest. I can't exactly describe it in words; it was one of those 'you-had-to-be-there' situations. I loved him on the outside, but it was filmy, hollow within. There were no true emotions rooted there.

And Donna - well, she and I were incredibly close, but when we talked about Johnathan I would snap straight into non-life mode. I was fooled, too - that thin screen of fire-siren-false-alarm emotions completely blinded me from the obvious truth, and I believed I was spilling my genuine boy problems to her.

Never boy problems, though. Always "me" problems.

Being at school, being around Dee and J, I was a completely different person than at home, around my sister and close-close-close friends, or even anyone else I knew - as long as they had zero connections with the two of them. Really, why did this happen?

Ha... It's clear as day now. It was all rooted back to HIM.

My stupid sentimental word-raping ex-boyfriend.

So where is this going? Nowhere, I suppose. Just more, more, more encouragement to move on from my non-life, that which I had clung to for so long a time. I still want it with me always, a faintly silver bell tolling ever-so-softly, resonating throughout a little space in the back of my head. Yet I don't want it to keep pestering me.

Now more than ever, I need to run run run away.