Just our hands clasped so tight.

...Okay. Fine. I miss him.

Just a little. Just the way he spoke to me tenderly, choice of words always poetic as possible, speaking of how he didn't understand me, how I was his confusion and his destroyer and his universe. Just his goofy smile, witless banter, hopeful intentions and anger at messing them up. Just his stupid laugh and the way he'd put his arm around me awkward, unmeasurable. Stupid. Sweet. Just his tender kisses, his arms pulling me in and his tongue on my mouth exactly how I liked it.

Then he had to move, that bitch, and go fuck it all up.

That's when I realized how much more MYSELF I was without him there. I wouldn't have to worry about lying about my feelings anymore. I could be free and flirt with any hot guy; I could talk to my friends honestly and have fun with them without the pressure of worrying if I should be spending time with him instead; most of all though, I could breathe. I could breathe the air around me - no sexual tension, no overexaggerated attempts to impress someone who didn't know me for me and probably wouldn't have fallen for me if he did. He didn't love me. He loved his idea of me, his take in his head on who I was to him.

And that needed to change.

Besides that, not having him there made disloyalty a lot easier. I'm not saying that me getting romantic with about 10 different guys on 20 different occasions is right, I'm just saying I had an excuse.

I needed someone who wasn't just my boyfriend. I needed a nice guy FRIEND who I could hit on when I wanted but still always go back to that friendship.

I'm a truly terrible person when it comes to relationships, and when I think about him I realize I owe him a lot. It was in his presence that I taught myself to flirt... for real, how I wanted to and how I could. His existence made me a hell of a lot more easygoing about guys and sexual shit. He made me feel beautiful for the first time in my life.

Most of all, though, I learned the hard way that you can't be someone you're not.

And now... NOW... I'm finally free.