I would feel free to say that I was gay.

Okayokayokay... SO much to tell. Firstly, Caitlin's a bitch. Apparently she was 'scared' I was gonna fucking murder her boyfriend / was gonna rob and/or rape her / all this other shit, so she told her parents. What a little whore. Now I'm in trouble with the admin and all this other shit, plus people are starting to talk. AND I just got back from Truancy Court... soooo not fun, you know?

But this whole thing made me realize just how fucking homophobic the world is. I mean, I've never had a personal encounter with homophobia before. Shit like this always happened to other people and not me. But my theory is that her friends were pressuring her to 'talk to someone about it' so she could 'stand up for being straight.' FUCK. THAT. SHIT. Now all the school people are after my ass, Caitlin's mom is ready to fucking kill me, and on top of it all they had to go tell my parents.

By the way, they were so cool about it. My mom was fucking pissed off at the Dean or whoever the hell was dealing with it because this obviously wouldn't have happened if I was a guy. It's only because I'm a lesbian and that disorients the rest of the world, plus there's the way I dress so that's two strikes against me. And my dad was fucking flaming.

They absolutely took my side, and I am so fucking relieved. I don't think my dad even knew I was a lesbian but he dealt with it so awesome.

Yey.

I love my parents right now, way too much. But I fucking hate the rest of the world. It's like, this all started because of me being lesbo. If I was, by some miracle, male, no one would have fucking cared. Even those therapists and shit were fucking prejudiced; they were all, "She's straight, so back off."

Fuck it. The world doesn't like me because I'm a lesbian. Fuck that, and fuck Caitlin, and fuck everything because I am who I am, and if you don't like it then leave me the fuck alone.

No qwerty today. :(

Sunday morning rain is falling.

Okay... it's raining outside. Funny, somehow I never noticed just how much the weather reflected my moods, you know? Because right now I feel calm. Tranquil. Melancholy. Slightly repressed in and beside what and who I want to be, but static all the same. And it's not depression, just ennui. Repetition.

Hell, I'm Aeleus, because sunny days are good days always.

For once I don't want to go to guitar this afternoon. I'm tired and sick as fuck, I have House to watch and homework to do and on top of it all I have goddamn fucking TRUANCY COURT tomorrow. Shit. I just want to write Miniscus sometimes, okay? I've been searching all night for a domain name host and I don't have enough fucking money for any of them, bitches. Plus I'm tired as piss after the Mirah concert I just went to, even though I've realized "Don't Die in Me" is one of the greatest songs ever.

Shiiiiiiiiiit. I miss CDW, where me and Ju Dra and Em and Ink could just talk about Miniscus and YYE and whatever else the hell we wanted.

But it's raining, and I'm not gonna have enough money to go see AAR this month, I haven't even started working on my H'ween costume, and it's time to fucking face reality: -sigh- I'm never gonna get Caitlin, am I?

Wants to go home.

I'm in a real shitheap right now. All things considered, this might have been one of the worst days of my life. Caitlin knows I like her, and apparently she has "no opinion" on the matter. It's fucked up awful, because I ran down like five blocks trying to chase after her, only to lose sight of her, and then find out that it was all for nothing. Plus everybody in biochem 7th period was all, "Oh, poor you, she's so in love with her boyfriend - " but fuck it.

Did I mention that I might be leaving my house forever?

It's bullshit. Dad's having financial issues because our dumbfuck prez screwed our country over -flips Bush off- and now him and Mom and Jeremy are all worried about what we're gonna do. As in, how they're gonna keep taking care of us.

Mom has this fucktarded suggestion that if Dad can't afford our house anymore, Jeremy could buy it and rent it back out to him. Seriously, why does she think Dad would want anyfuckingthing to DO with Jeremy, let alone be paying him to live in his own damn house?!?? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Jeremy, but today he only had to walk up the front steps and Dad was fuming.

They're also thinking of Mom and Jeremy moving in here, and Dad finding his own place. What the fucking hell?!?? This is MY house. I love Mom and Jeremy but this is not their fucking house. I can't imagine this dump as clean as their place, or as organized. Plus there's no way Sophie would get along with Kiki and Jackson.

Ugh. I just don't want anything to change. I like how I'm living my life, for the most part, and I don't need anything fucking that up. Especially my home.

No one ever thought she could do that.

So I talked to Caitlin. (I'm such a dumbfuck, I've been spelling her name wrong the whole time, LOL.) Anyway, she seems to know I like her; I could swear she was flirting with me, all "Hey there" and "Parting is such sweet sorrow." Ha! Then again, there's no denying her obvious addiction to Matt... though I found out that they've only been dating four months.

Four months. For me and Johnathan, that was about the time when it stopped being awkward and started being obsessive, you know? Like, me talking about him as much as I could, stealing his armbands and sweatshirts and shit, etc. It was that point of a relationship where everything really mattered.

Honestly, unless he's totally metro (or gay, since I don't believe in metros -__- ), I have a feeling Mattie's not quite as fucking in love with Caitlin as she is with him. I mean, I haven't met him or anything, but their was something about how she acted today that told me... I don't know. I might have a chance.

Might. Might it the key word there, kiddies. Got it memorized? Seriously, though, I like this chick, more than I should. And ever since I found out I'm not tied down to a relationship, I've fully and completely decided to win her over.

When I want something to happen, it happens.

So it'd better fucking happen.

I'm really proud of her for at least acknowledging my affection, giving it a chance. Or at least as far as I'm concerned. Because I like this girl. A lot.

Over the line, can't define what I'm after.

I sit here, pining, wasting away, staring out my window like some forlorn Hellsangel from Miniscus waiting for a hundred more souls. My feet, when they walk, have a mind of their own - they carry me not toward my destination but onward, forward, searching for something adventurous, looking for the exit. Exit here, I say. But I just keep on going.

All my life I've been driven by the fact that everything happens for a reason. There are no accidents; their are only explanations. But through these past few months, I've discovered that there isn't always a cause for everything. You know?

Why did Mom meet Jeremy? At a bar, talking about some logic problem. Now look at them.

Why did Aidan abandon us? I don't know, but it caused me serious heartbreak for almost a year. Now he's my editor, and we're almost friends.

Why did I dye my hair blue? Impulse. A need for something different.

Why did Johnathan ask me out? He thought I was hot. Big deal. Never would have guessed his life would end up revolving around me.

What about Miniscus? A dream, that's all. I've always been a writer. Suddenly the mountains were so beautiful that I needed to be an artist too.

There wasn't a reason for any of it to happen. But it did, and it changed our lives. All of us. Sure, there's the cause-and-effect philosophy, but that still doesn't explain WHY. Fate? Doubtful. God? Nonexistent. Random choice of occurrences that happened to react and create something huge.

Battle of Hastings changed the fate of the world, you know? The comet that wiped out prehistoric life forms. Thanks, comet. Else we wouldn't be here. Or let's go back to the Big Bang. How the hell'd we pull that one out our asses?

There aren't reasons. Just explanations. No fate, no destiny, none of that shit. We don't write it ourselves, either.

Sometimes you can't pinpoint it all down. Sorry.

Her body is my coffin.

Wow. Girls should not be allowed to wear some of the sexy shit they do at my school. So I'm sitting there, World History, drawing Kes and minding my own fucking business when Kaitlin comes into the room. And fuck, is she wearing little clothing. Her shorts are smaller than LeMonJeLLo, and might I say they did her ass justice. And her shirt... damn, I can't even begin to tell you about her shirt. One word: LOW-CUT.

So obviously she would notice me staring, right?

Then of course she's all, "Oh yeah, these shorts are short, one day I was wearing them and some guys outside my BOYFRIEND'S house started stalking me..." Yup. Good old Matt, her allegedly sexy boyfriend.

Psh.

She's got no fuckin' right to make me that jealous... or that turned on. And yes you all needed to know that. APPRECIATE THE SMEXED-NESS. APPRECIATE IT.

So maybe my life's not all about love, but people with bodies like Kaitlin sort of ruin my plans, you know? Especially when they feel the need to show it off. Not that I mind it (I'm gonna quote Xiggy here: As if); it's just, I had a plan for my life. I had a mission. It was all worked out. And she had to come along and fuck it all up.

Damn, am I hopeless. I'll just always be this dramatic.

Thanks to LUDO for some blogging inspiration, of course. Cheers!

A disease of the mind, it can control you.

Oh, geez, here we go again. Another night of insomnia. Fuck... fuck. There is no fucking way. This happened every night during the summer, and now it's decided to rear its fugly head and torment me some more.

I have no idea why I have so much trouble focusing. Sure, I'm on an L/Light rampage, on FF.net in serious need of some yaoi 24/7, and unfortunately 11pm-3am is including in that overall range. Also, "Look After You" by The Fray somehow conspires to keep me awake, playing and replaying in my head.

Still, you'd think I'd have some self-control.

This is hard. My mind has shut down but my body's still wide awake. I'm gonna be a zombie tomorrow, and the day after that is PSAT day so this is deep shit. If I do this tomorrow night, I'm screwed... trouble with the mumzie and all...

I hatehatehate insomnia. Sure, it led me to Gravitation, as well as ZoSan and Chouse, but beyond that it really doesn't do me any good. Headaches, nausea, stimulated fainting, inability to respond intelligently, highly unattractive raccoon eyes - none of it really makes me happy, you know?

So let me just put out this warning to the universe in general: DON'T GO INSOMNIAC. Bad things will happen. It's like alcohol, cutting, drugs, smoking, chocolate, because it makes itself a habit. I stayed up until 9 am once and thought that I'd be fine.

Now every night I'm up staring at my purple-black walls, trying to get the song of the day out of my head.

Fuck. Just be careful about staying up, got me? Shut off your compys at a reasonable hour. Make yourself some non-herbal tea and get the fuck into bed because you're going to be in hell for the next few weeks if you're up too late. Maybe you don't need as much sleep as the average person - i.e., that's how I am - but trust me, crashing midday and going zombie until it gets dark is not a pleasant experience.

So get some rest. Because it's 11:32 pm Eastern time, and I know I'm gonna be up later than this. Shit.

You might regret what you let slip away.

Okay... I'm fucking sick of letting my life revolve around romance. Seriously, it's only boredom and envy and a terrifyingly strong sex drive that I give a shit about anyway; I know I don't need someone "special" [fuck that] in my life, and I'm not gonna make things harder for me by pretending I really do.

SO!! From this moment on, I resolve to let love come to me. I won't keep acting desperate, won't constantly hunger for romantic attention. And since I'm tired of being all desolate and miserable and depressed, I'm going to focus on the good things in life.

Like guitar. With Max. <3 I loooove him so fucking much. If I was straight I'd totally dig him, which is somewhat of a disturbing thought. LOL. But he taught me some U2 today and it was so. Much. Fun. One of those few things that can get me off my lazy screensaver ass and not totally dread it, you know?

ALSO. Miniscus - what else? I am a brilliant little piece of shit with Haru-worthy sexyfine characters in a universe Tolkien would be jealous of. I can draw maaaaaayyyyyybbbbbeeeee not as well as my M'brabriia, but close enough. My style's a lot... darker than hers, to put it mildly. Honestly, though? Most people don't have their careers laid out for them when they're fourteen. I'm a lucky little bitch. And Miniscus is going to be a ginormous hit in the world of manga. I've got it made, bitchez.

Oh yeah, and let's not forget DWWP, my college comics course. And Manna, which is good enough despite its... older... members. Plus GLSBA, der!! Gay-straight alliances are my best friend. And Nicole and Michael are two of my absolute favorite people now.

Really, then, my life is not as bad as I make it out to be. I fucking cried today for the first time in almost a year - no, graduation doesn't count so shut the fuck up - and now I'm realizing what a spoiled little shit I am.

I don't need love when I've got skills and friends and shit. My life is amazing. I am fantastically, ridiculously talented, gifted and lucky.

So why the fuck do I still feel so empty...?

Turn off the sun, but I'm still gonna shine.

WTF?!?? What. The. Fuck. FACEBOOK IS DOWN!! I don't know what the hell happened, but all of a fucking sudden I can't connect to the URL... I am seriously fucking pissed off. I'm on writers' block and the next One Piece book hasn't come out yet and I had to go see some stupid museum and now I'm just about ready to kill myself...

So you know what?? Fine. Whatever!! I'm gonna prove to my shitty Internet connection that I can in fact survive without Facebook. After all, I can work on my Shadow Hunter fanfic for Kestreus. I think I'll do that, actually. And it doesn't matter if they shut down fucking Photo Booth because I have a camera, dammit. If I have to do stuff the old-school way, I will.

But NOTHING. Is going. To take away my entertainment.

I guess my mental state has finally been pushed to the point where it can't take any more rejection, and more heartbreak, any more fear or pessimism or false hope or stress. Or just general boredom. But whatever it is, I'm fucking sick of screwing stuff up or having stuff screw me over. I am going to get some fun out of my life, however the hell much work it takes to do it. I love my Axl, but sometimes he fucks up, and this is the last straw. I don't blame him - he's too wonderful a computer - I blame his programmers and whatever shitty flawed tech they're using these days.

Fucking fuck that shit. I will be entertained.

On another note, I'm gonna go watch Neurotically Yours, dammit. Hahaha!!

Qwerty <3

My head gets so confused.

Wow... I was looking back at my old blog posts a few minutes ago, and honestly I just had to laugh. I said stuff like, "How will I ever find a boyfriend?" and, "I want a guy that likes me for me."

Bull. Fucking. Shit.

I was so... I don't know. Straight. Ugh. I mean, I might be madly in luv with Chase, Axel, Yuki, et al, but that's affection for an attractive character. I will never date a guy again because - like it or not, Johnathan - I am a lesbian.

It's not that I don't find guys sexy. I do, just... not real ones. Or at least, not ones that I'll ever see walking down the street. (LMAO, just remembered Jesse Spencer.) I couldn't go out with a guy if I wanted to.

Why? It's, uh, kind of hard to explain. I guess the two main reasons are (1) I don't like dick the way J-Star does, and (2) sexist as it may sound, I can't stand being the girl of a relationship. That's just not what I do. I like to be the "guy," be the one who stands there with her arm around her girlfriend and pays for their dates and... uh... tops.

Not trying to get labeled as a dyke, people. I hate that word. I mean, I wear lace skirts and corsets, and I hate sports, and to be honest rap can go fuck itself for all I care. I draw, I write, I fangirl, I swear-to-fucking-god I sing. Plus I'm fucking HOT. I am so far from manly, it's not even funny.

But - DESPITE MY STUPID SEMEUKE.COM QUIZ RESULTS - I would rather start, lead, protect a relationship than listen, follow, take advantage of it. It's really difficult to put into words. But I know the feeling.

And it sucks, because I think Splash kind of likes me. I mean, we just started talking the other day, and I never told him I was a lesbian, and he shows more interest in me than he has any other new girl at Central. So yeah, I feel bad.

But it's not my fault. I am who I am. And when I kiss a girl... I like it.

And I don't feel like I am strong enough.

Sorry... been a long, long time. I know. I just couldn't compel myself to write here often enough. So much has been happening lately... in between Miniscus, GLSBA, Ju Dra's dog and Emmy's YYE, besides meeting David and Nirvana and Nicole, I've had so much to think about.

So let me put it this way: I've found the meaning of my life. And it isn't love, the way I always thought it would be. It's not my sister or my friends or even Kingdom Hearts. It's Miniscus. It always has been, really. Why do you think I put so much pressure on myself every time I couldn't draw, every time I hit writers' block?

I'm meant to get this done. I'm meant to show it to the world, meant to see Japanese and Americans alike fangirl over it, ship Duskmic and mention YYE and give it a place on FF.net - why did I ever think my life was worth anything more?!??

Seriously, though, something happened to me. Something kind of big, bigger than it should have been anyway. And I was emotionally unstable, like, to the core, for about five seconds... before I asked myself what the HELL I was doing. Miniscus is my commitment. Honest to god, if the world can't except that, then fuck them. Fuck them all. Fuck my guidance counselor who thinks I have "more potential." Fuck my so-called friends who write me off as a hardcore geek. Fuck all that shit, because I just wasn't born to be happy with a person.

So if my life turns around and I do manage to get a girlfriend, then that's great. But I'm not strong enough to get committed to people anymore. I've made that mistake two fucking times already. No more. NO MORE.

Fuck it. I can write and write and write and be alone all my life if I have to.

As long as I'm writing.