Holding on to what I'm feeling.

Ex-fucking-hausted right now. I slept with my contacts in, tragically enough, and now my eyes feel like fuck, though it is probably all psychological. And damn, we had phys ed today and I just about died. Horrifying.

So what's new with me? Mainly it has to do with joining GLSBA, the gay-straight alliance at Central. -squee- I am SO happy. Seeing people there, who aren't afraid to show the world who they really are, just made me absolutely euphoric. It's every Tuesday, the one day a week when my sched's clear.

It'll sound cheesy as hell, but I really bonded with those people. Mikey, Gary and Reshana are some of the coolest human beings on the face on the planet. I was one of the only freshmen there but they all got along with me fair, so I had an overall fantastic time.

I love, love, love being out. When I heard some of their stories about homophobic parents and disownment, shit like that, it made me realize how shittin' lucky I am to have parents who totally accepted my sexuality, just like that. It's just an amazing freedom to go around and rub it in the face of my homophobes of classmates that I'm a lesbian. Their reactions always make me laugh.

Honestly, I used to be afraid of accepting this. Now, though, I don't think I could ever let it go. I like girls. And before it bothered me - not that I had a problem with it, I just never used to be that great on identity and stuff - but now it's one of my defining traits.

I love GLSBA. It's an amazing place to be, with amazing people to hang out with. My year has just been getting better and better. Ridiculous, how easily my problems can be fixed sometimes.

Then again... not like this was ever a PROBLEM.

Fuck you, homophobes. XD

Qwerty <3

And I wonder if I'm just built this way.

Well, here's to another shitty day gone by. To be honest, I'd rather blog for eternity or at least watch the eighth One Piece movie a couple more times, if not, say, The Grudge. But -sigh- I have homework to do. Yeah, life is bullshit.

So I'm procrastinating again. So what? I want to talk to the girl I love. I want to run around screaming. I want to write my manga, project my own hurt and confusion and pain right into the characters I love so dearly. I want to stab everything I see. I want to feel regret. I want to confess. I want to all at once live and die.

Unfortunately, it's the 21st century, and I have homework to do.

Why am I even bothering to write this, you ask? Because I'm trying to ponder the answer to a question. It always deeply, deeply bothers me when I am unable to do what I need to do and instead end up doing what I want to do - in short, procrastinating. Yup. I know, here we go again.

I do it a lot. PROBLEM!! It prevents me from catching up to everybody else in school. I just generally fall behind and go into a shitty mood. But music is a drug to me; I can't let go of it. I'm a manga addict, obviously. Can't really read or draw while solving equations, can you?

I just want to let go. To change myself for once. To evaporate the nervousness, the guilt that gnaws at me from the inside when I leave everything until the last minute. Unfortunately, I can't.

I was born this way, and all my life I will live this way. I will die this way.

Fuckers, do I hate homework.

Qwerty <3

There's no way to deny she's lovely.

I don't understand why Johnathan won't just go for this friend of his. Apparently she's smart, sweet, hot, you know. What else does he fucking want? But noooo, apparently she's a skank so he's just got to stay away from her.

What the fucking FUCK?!?

It makes zero sense to me how a guy's so afraid of rejection that he'll hold back. Guys are fucking dumbshits who can't see past their own hand in a stream of sunlight. There are, uh, obvious reasons I don't find them attractive; their general stupidity is one of them. Sure, I have plenty of guy friends. But honestly, I can't say I'd put Johnathan on that list.

He's an idiot. If he likes a girl, why can't he just go for it? Why would he ignore her over some stupid rumor? It it because he's wasting his time crying over me? Fuck that shit. I am so tired of him staying stuck on this.

I can't stand, can't stand, can't fucking stand him when he's like this. He doesn't even deserve my attention, that bitch. He's too obsessed with getting his old, allegedly "perfect" life back to focus on moving on. Well, guess what? He's just gonna screw things over more for himself.

I want to scream at him sometimes. He doesn't understand that this isn't some fantasy world where he can just wallow in his own misery and there won't be consequences. This is a reality. You who have been reborn, color your eyes without smiling alone (thank you, Sakuma-san). That's right, Johnathan.

Without. Smiling. Alone.

Without.

Qwerty <3

Suddenly burned to ash.

Okay, the other day I was at school and I got this assignment that got me thinking, like, way too much for schoolwork. It wasn't, like, even normal. Basically, I was instructed to write a paragraph about what I would do if I only had one year left to live.

Miniscus and Dez were the first two things that immediately came to mind. My series, of course, would have to be finished; that's not a dream I would ever let slip away, within or between life, death, and anything else. I would finish as much as I could, and leave my plans for the rest of the series in the hands of my sister(s) and best friend(s). Yeah, you decide where Ju Dra falls. I've made my choice.

With Dez... I guess I would try and go see her. Yeah, I definitely would. Maybe track her down, stalk her a little. LOL. But I'd obviously want to, like, genuinely meet her, interactive, voice-to-voice and face-to-face, before dying. One of my biggest wishes right there, bitches. Take it home.

Uh huh... and I'd turn all nice, and everything. Sell my shit. Do favors. Kiss my parents good night, you know? (Not that I don't already... oh, am I a n00b. Kya!) The point is, when I think deeply about this stuff it honestly makes me realize how much more I could be trying to accomplish in life. I'm a fucking loser and I sure am proud of it, but wouldn't you want to make yourself respected, or at least known, before you die?

I would be miserable that year. Not because I fear death - I mean, as long as it's both painless and fearless, I could accept it - but because I've got too many life goals. I'd never meet all of them. A year? Some serious fucked up shit, man.

But I guess that's the life of some people. When they learn the news, it's like their world turns to ash, suddenly and surely. Horrible. I pity them way too much to be healthy.

Do you want to see death coming? I don't want to be there when I die, but I'm still not sure if I want to know ahead of time.

Qwerty <3

Break me down, and bury me, bury me.

So I found out that the girl I love is going to have to make a decision involving me and her girlfriend. That's right. She's gonna have to choose between us. I'm not sure what initiated this, but I do know that I'm as nervous as hell, because if she gives up on me I'm gonna be a fucking train wreck for the rest of my life.

I freak out when I'm nervous, which is all the more upset. I tremble, I cry, and silent tears roll down my face as I rub my hands raw in an attempt to get warm, because all the blood has left my body and gone to my head. I can't think. Speak. Breathe.

I hate myself at these points of time. I want to destroy the inner core of my being, get on my hands and knees and beg someone to shoot me through the head. Ask them and plead them to end my existence, because anticipation is too great an emotion and I'll die anyway if I have to go through it for any longer.

But enough emo shit. I've got to find a distraction, and this is basically it. I'm not totally sure what'll happen to me if this girl chooses to stay with her current girlfriend. I'll freak, obviously. It won't be nerve-wracking anymore.

It won't, because I'll be dead inside.

This girl means the world to me, and if I really have to let her go so soon after finding her, after learning the purpose of my life (other than Miniscus), then... bad... things... will happen. Uh.

Yeah.

I'm not so good at letting people go. I'm even worse at getting them out of my head. But I've always managed to do it in the end. But she... she's different. Different from all the rest of them. Why? Because I love her. And I trust her. And she's barely met me but already she knows me, the real me, for who I am.

I love that. And I love her. So what's my purpose if I've gotta give her up?

Qwerty <3

Because it's now or never.

Well, today was weird. Kaitlin came back to school, even smiled at me a couple times, looking cute as always in her skinny jeans and pink converses, and I didn't even blink. It's insane how unmoved I am by her all of a sudden. I fell right out of love with that girl.

I swear, though, it's as if just when I stop liking her, I start having a chance with her. [That idiot] Justin - I love you anyway, Jus - told her that I thought she was hot, and she laughed and said, "I know," and gave me this huge, cute grin. A few days ago my heart would have been racing a million miles an hour. Today it sat calmly in my chest while I smiled back evenly.

What the fuck happened to "Kaitlin = love LIEK oh-em-gee" from last week? Why am I so suddenly changed? Today was my chance, my absolute number one chance, and yet I completely let it slide through my fingertips. And the strangest part was, I didn't even mind. I was totally cool with letting her walk away, no vow, no wink, no final word. She left and I left and it was the end of it.

I see myself as a moon, a fickle and unpredictable deity that watches, loves, learns, and lets go. I'm constantly shifting and changing like clouds. But most of all I'm like rain, because no matter how much I'm brushed away, I'm stubborn as shit when I want something... and then I leave, just like that. Damn, am I special.

Just kidding. Still, though, it'd be nice if I could control some of the shit I feel. But I can't. Hearts grow without permission, those sneaky little bastards.

Qwerty <3

I'd make you believe, I'd make you forget.

Del Rey manga. Submission requirements: concise description of story concept, 1-2 page detailed plot summary, character profiles [written], character profiles [drawn], complete artwork for first 10-20. Check, check, check, check, and... almost-check. So as soon as I get books 1-4 (just so I'm backed up in terms of scheduling and all that) 100% finished, it's goodbye hiding-in-my-room, hello publishing-for-Miniscus. YES.

Okay, so maybe they won't like it. Fine by me. There's always TOKYOPOP, whom I've known to publish unsolicited submissions. Geez, half their shit is from America. I think. And maybe I won't be good enough for them because I'm fucking "in high school" and that's "a problem." In the words of the ever-wise Foamy, they can really just fuck off and die.

Miniscus is my everything, and no amount of schoolwork or romantic/social tension is ever going to keep me away from it. No goddamn half-assed self-absorbed media-addicted publishing company is gonna screw things over just because they reject my life dream. I always have El Peruvian Cosco. XD

The world needs to know about it. More importantly, though, the fandom needs to know about it.

Sometimes I wonder what I would be like right now if I had never created Miniscus. It was a combination of One Piece, Julia, and the salty beach air that made Makuri into a drawing in a skull-fronted black notebook, but everyone else had a mind of their own when they appeared. If it hadn't been that exactly place at that exact time when I decided to draw a twice-reincarnate pyromaniac with a star tattooed on her cheek, Miniscus might not even exist.

It's a scary thought, considered it's what fills up every one of those 18 sketchbooks, every single of those 57 notebooks that currently litter the shelves of my room. I'm fucking addicted to it just like up fucking addicted to every other singular living thing I give a shit about, and it ain't fucking fair.

But I wouldn't be me without it, you know? I wouldn't have a career already pending at the age of fourteen, and I wouldn't be dying inside every time a star fell from the sky. I am who I am, and it'll never change.

Self-centeredly yours.

All my life I've waited, this is true.

I've been afraid to face her. It doesn't feel right - not morally, but emotionally. I know that no matter what I do, I'll never be the only one. And I know I should call it a draw, get over her, and move on.

But I can't do that. I'm orbited and I can't pull away. She's more than just incredible, she's a world of her own. I'm stuck, fallen. Infatuated, hypnotized, obsessed. I guess it's not in my nature to feel minutely or neutrally about anything; I've always been the addictive type. Now it's coming back to haunt me.

It's not fair. I finally fine someone who I stick to like residue, and I find out (though I've always known) that I'm not nearly as important to her as she is to me. It'll always be this way, I guess. Forever. No matter who it is, I love more every time. It's impossible to defeat, but I can't let it keep happening or I'll never truly be happy.

I don't want to put pressure on her, change anything to make it better between us, and so I'm trying to sever what does exist. I really am. She and her girlfriend are seriously happy together and I just stumbled in and messed it all up.

And I want to get out, now. The problem is it's not that easy, because she's amazing.

I don't know what's wrong with me, why I'm this obsessed. I love her, but I hate myself. I can't get over her, but I have to. And yet I don't want to.

So it's the luck of the draw now. Fate. Whatever happens will happen, and I won't be there to change it because I can't.

I threw myself into this. But the sides are smooth and the sky is far away, and it'll be a long time until I see the light of day.

A statue of myself, of course.

So I talked to Johnathan. He seemed sort of let down to find out that I'm a total lesbian for now, but even if I still dug guys I wouldn't get back with him. I really don't know what I ever saw in him. Basically all he did last night while we were talking was complain excessively about how he couldn't find anyone like him.

Ugh. OKAY... that is not the point of relationships, friend- or romance-based. Sure, you want someone who you can relate to, who you can pick distinct characteristics from that resemble what's often on your mind. Sure, you don't want to be stuck hands-in-your-lap with nothing to say.

But so fucking what if they're a little happier than you!? Doesn't that do good things for a relationship's foundations? Whatever happened to opposites attract? Seme and uke? Where's the yin and yang (au contraire, Ronan and Zela don't quite pass) of relationships today?

So you don't want a fucking fluke, i.e., Roxine. SO WHAT? If you like someone who's not a total clone of you, why don't you just climb out of your shallow little pool of self-pity and misery and give them a fucking chance? What is so damn wrong with disagreeing? Ink, Jude and Em aren't my best friends because we're similar. We're all incredibly different people - Indi's a control freak, Juli's careless, Emmy's hyper, and I'm psycho. But KH, Grav, DN, OP and A:tLA bring us together, and everything we've been through helps that hold strong.

Johnathan, I don't care what you say. I'm not like you. I will never be like you. You think you're so far above the rest of us, except for those you've picked specially to be on your level because they 'get' you. I know I'm not that great. I could call myself a serious disgrace to humanity if I wanted. Sure, I've got qualities, but in the long run, I know that me being different, for better or for worse, is a positive thing.

And you, my friend, are thoroughly unable to realize that.

We're different, and I still don't like you. So shove it up your ass and fucking deal with it.

Qwerty <3

Afraid to tell you how I feel about you.

OMFG... okay, I have this feeling that I might actually have a chance with this girl. There's someone she really likes, as in obviously really likes, and I'm starting to think it might actually be me. I can't believe this is really happening. It's been so long since I've been in such a positive romantic situation, and I'm euphoric.

Then again... argh. Shit. What if I'm wrong? What if I told her and it ended up being someone else she had fallen for? I'd feel like an idiot. Humiliated. I'd never be able to speak to her again.

I just don't know what to do at this point. I've fallen hard for someone who I barely know, and I'd be crushed, broken if they didn't return my feelings. Then again, my life has been taking a turn for the better lately. But that could also mean that I'm getting selfish, overconfident.

I like this girl. A lot. Way too much, I know, and everyone I knew would be shocked to find out how I met her, how I knew her. It's not the greatest position ever. But I'm willing to go pretty far to get to where I want to be.

I might not ever see her... Even if she does like me, there are just so many things that could go so incredibly wrong.

But I can't help it. I've never fallen so hard so fast, and I don't know what to do.

Qwerty <3

Wanna wake up where you are.

Okay. New subject (sort of...) - and you're all (all?) going to think I'm psycho, after seeing some of the shit I said about Kaitlin. I think I might be, uh, romantically interested again. In. Someone. Else.

This person is seriously driving me right now. Like, way too much. It's not even funny. I don't know her all that well, but I wish I could. She's addictive, more so than Kaitlin is. My impression is she's pretty sweet. I like her. A lot. I don't want to say the word love, since the world will view me as a melodramatic psycho shit. But honestly, Kaitlin was just cute. Hot. Whatever. This girl... god, she's just fucking incredible!

I've never been this shy before. Really, I've never been shy. At all. But this girl just leaves me speechless. I'm afraid that anything I say to her will sound stupid. She doesn't even know my full name. She probably doesn't give a shit about me until some little sign reminds her. Bet I'm just another scratch on the surface of her tilted life.

I don't want to let go of this one. I'm letting Kaitlin go; I know I have to get over her. It's time for that ship to sail. (LOL... cheesy shit much?) But I'm not gonna lose a second time. Maybe I just won't tell her. I'm afraid of losing what we do have, even if it's barely anything, even if I want it to be more.

Damn, why do I want her this bad!? (Most of you are probably going, "Uh... déjà vu much?") I feel so awkward talking to her, but at the same time I want to tell her my life story. She's got an incredible personality. Though I know beauty is more than skin deep, she's beautiful. Pretty hot as far as I can tell. I've been feeling broken; what if she could pick up the pieces?

As always, she's taken. Blah, blah, blah. But still. She actually likes girls, so I'm not totally hopeless.

And I'm not gonna name names, but I hope to god she never reads this, because she'll know right away that I'm talking about her. Then I would have to kill myself.

Is love at first sight real? I didn't use to think so.

Now... I guess I do. <3

You give me something I can hold on to.

Wow... there's a new hope lighting up my life, a little spark that keeps me running high. I've found a new friend, someone who gives me something to look forward to every day when I come home from school. She's got a lot in common with me as far as I know, and I enjoy every minute of speaking with her. I like how she gets me for who I am. Most people don't see me this way, but I really feel like she does.

On my harshest days, it's thinking of her upcoming emails or blog posts that gets me through it all. She's an incredibly nice person and as far as I know, she thinks I'm pretty cool. I like that. I like having a friend to rely on. It's something that I need; sometimes the people I pass by each and every day aren't really looking at me, they're looking through me. Know what I mean? If I tried to lean on them, I would pass like a phantom right through each of them, because that's how I appear to others.

The fantastic thing about this new friend of mine is that she read my words before she knew what I looked like. She's seen beyond just the surface, beyond what I am, deep down to who I am. Who.

I'm not going to just say she's my new, like, romantic obsession. Sometimes having someone as just a friend, deeper than shallow, is what I need the most. And I'm not going to deny that she sounds pretty damn fucking cute, I wouldn't want to screw things up even more. I need someone to talk to, really spill my guts to.

And from what I know of her, she's just the person.

Since I'm not sure if she wants, like, confidentiality claims, I'm going to go ahead and keep her anonymous. But you know who you are, and this is my absolute thank-you to you for all that you've been doing for me. I appreciate it more than you know.

Qwerty <3

A tragic tale of all that's yet to come.

Believe it or not... life is finally looking up for me.

I have started Miniscus. I am so incredibly, disturbingly, ridiculously proud of myself. Not only is the drawing going easier than I had thought it would, getting this far just provides me with so much optimism for my life. The world is going to see my characters, and it is going to love them as intensely as I love Axel or Yuki or Zolo or anyone else I've ever been addicted to. And that right there is the damn fucking truth.

Johnathan's been trying to contact me again. I never realized how much I missed him up until now, not as a boyfriend but as a person in general. Maybe he doesn't understand me the way we both once thought he did, but it sure as hell will be nice to have his friendship back. Besides that, I saw Connor and Jackie today, and just got so ridiculously infatuated with the both of them. I literally couldn't let go when I hugged them. So socially, I guess I'm doing all right.

School is tough, but my lurvely iPod ("AkuRoku," of course) makes everything better. I've never been a particularly sit-and-listen kind of person, and those lectures really do their job lulling you to sleep. Especially Algebra... damn, I'm fucking failing. French is all right. I never was particularly smart, but whatever.

And seeing The Eye made my day. I've already watched it a million times over, but it just reminded me how much I love horror movies.

Okay, so I'm not doing perfect. There's still Kaitlin. Kaitlin. I know it's hopeless, but moving on has always been so hard for me. I'm so fucking clingy is why.

Miniscus is my story, in a way. It has its ups and downs, and a lot of it is just tragedy, foreshadowing the dark destiny of what lies ahead for Haroun. For Makuri, Økitu, Winter and Tari. For me, too. And in the end, it's still flawed. It's still broken.

But it's always got hope.

When all you ever gave me were open wounds.

So that's that. She told me exactly how she feels about her boyfriend and that's fine. That's normal. She doesn't want to be with me.

Oh my fucking god...

I feel like such a hopeless idiot. I know and I know and I know again that she's taken, she's disinterested, and hell, she's straight. How could I let myself fall so hard for her? I'm addicted to the air she breathes. I worship the ground she walks on. My heart stops when her gorgeous mocha eyes pin me to the wall, focus on me out of everybody else. I forget her name, forget everything I've ever learned about her when she looks at me that way, because she's too divine to hold an identity. Her delicate artistry is moving. Her articulacy is astounding. She's just out of reach and I need her to hold me or I'll be paralyzed until the end of time.

Kaitlin, Kaitlin, Kaitlin. She doesn't realize how much she means to me, no matter how clear I make it to her. Petty, time-wasting, stalker-y things like calling her "hot girl," or stupid things (i.e. mentioning her height) that I always regret saying afterward.

I mean, it's not like she'd take any interest in me even if she was attracted to women. I'm surprised she gives me the time of day. She could lend her musical voice to anyone she wanted, but when she's chosen me to speak to it means the world to me.

Doesn't she understand what she's done to me? She laughs but my heart is shattered. She smiles that angel's smile at me but my soul is shredded at the seams. She's killing me softly and I'll never get over it, at least not as long as she's got me anchored to her ground. She calls me a friend when all she ever does is cut me up from the inside.

But I shouldn't have expected any less. Of course someone as flawless as her would have a boyfriend. And apparently he's a poet and a manga artist like I am. Bet I'm better at both, but he's a guy so there's no competition.

Why can't she understand? Why do I need her the way I do?

And you're telling me that I'm not to blame.

It's fucking pouring outside and I'm bull-tired. Miss Kaitlin, miss Dee and MISS M'BRABRIIA. Also... wanna see Josh and Sammy since they're my loves. And Jackie...

Okay, I know what my problem is. I don't spend enough time with my friends. Seriously, I feel like I'm always blowing them off to go draw or write. Hell, instead of hanging out with Josh/Sammy/Gabby, or stalking Kaitlin (kawaii <3), I waste my lunches on Miniscus. I can't help it; I love Miniscus. I love it as much as I love almost all of my friends (my gruesome threesome beats it, but they're them).

And I know, I know, I fucking know that I need to be more social. I'm not exactly popular, but there are plenty of people out there who care about me. A lot. And I wish I could treat them with the same affection and admiration that they express towards me, but I can't. I'm bitchy and insensitive by nature. I'm intense, quiet, and self-absorbed around the people who don't know my true geeky personality; I become a pissy loser, ungrateful towards everyone who's so nice to her.

They brush it off and act like it's all right. They respect my wishes and give me space. But I don't deserve it, and every time I feel like more and more of a selfish bitch. I'm not trying to isolate myself, but sometimes it seems like I'm slipping away.

Maybe it isn't my fault. That's what they say, and I'd really be a bad friend if I didn't believe them.

That's the world we've gotta take on, though. Drama and doubt.

Qwerty <3

Baby, just take your time.

Oh. Em. Gee. The girl of my dreams... is. Talking. To. Me.

YEHEHEHESSSSS!!

And she likes me, too!! I mean, not the way I like her (obviously - she has a boyfriend and all), but that doesn't stop her from at least wanting to be my friend. Despite certain failure on that Algebra exam, and possible preliminary breakdown in French (dude, I like French too), she makes going to school every day worth it.

Every morning when I'm getting dressed, she's the one who I think about. Would Kaitlin like this? Would Kaitlin like that? What will she think? I've never cared about how good I look as much as I do now. Besides the stalking part, I'm utterly obsessed with her opinion of me. I can't get this girl out of my head.

What is it that draws me to her, anyway? Some would say fate, or even desperation; personally, I call it G-R-A-V-I-T-A-T-I-O-N. Gravitation. I'm drawn to her for reasons I cannot comprehend. I just feel this overwhelming need to be with her, to take her in my arms and never let go. She's so small; I want to protect her from the big world out there. She's so... I don't know... petite and wiry and sweet.

I'm totally in love. It's not even funny, how addicted I am. Every time I see her, our exchanged smiles light up my world and I feel euphoric.

So euphoric, in fact, that I think I can wait until she falls for me.

Qwerty <3

Even heroes have the right to dream.

I've been musing again. Yeah, it happens a lot. But to be honest, I'm pretty sure that this time it's meaningful, more so than anything else I've written.

What the hell am I gonna do with my life? My number one goal is Miniscus. That's the only aspiration that I have: to get it published and see the world's acceptance of my characters as another vintage point for fandom. The way I see myself in ten years is a graphic novelist, well-known and acclaimed (or so I would hope)... living in a tiny, messy studio-apartment with CDs, DVDs and v-games for friends. Eat when I want. Sleep when I want. Hot Topic and Urban Outfitters rather than shopping for the family - unmarried, probably not in a relationship. No kids, nothing. Nada.

Basically... I want to be a loser.

Is this normal, to want to obtain this kind of existence? Doubtful. Just today I told Jackie on the Green Line that I want to hide myself away from the rest of the world as my manga becomes a success, staying in touch only with close friends, leading my life like the poor shit I'll probably be. In reality, I think it's because I want to be young and irresponsible, disorganized and self-managed forever.

On some level, isn't that what we all want? To be kids - teens - forever. Only that way, we could take lead of our miserable, oafish lives, telling the world that we choose to live them that way.

On some level... isn't it?

I'm in love with a girl.

What is with this girl??!! One glance, one fucking glance and I was smitten. It's like I have to be with her. I know I must have scared her, thrown her off with all the sensual staring and smirking and winking. And I know she has a boyfriend (one of the few things I do know about her). But every time I look at her my heart skips a beat. I feel an overwhelming range of emotions. I forget about everything else in my way.

And it's not like I even like her as a human being. Sure, she's the most beautiful silent goddess to have ever walked this earth, but I also like being the only one around with an inch of eyeliner dripping down my face. Her voice irritates me to no end. Her hair - ugh, blondlighting the tips is sooo overrated. First Mia, now her?

But I can't stop thinking about her. My chest tightens when she looks my way. Not out of nervousness - I think her opinion on me is clear by now - but out of... I don't know. Something else, something stronger and deeper and truer. I can't fucking get her out of my head. She's everywhere, everywhere, everywhere I turn, and for someone who doesn't give a shit about others' opinions I'm wondering about hers a little too much. I don't want to be her friend; hell, that's the last thing I want, for us to develop some kind of deep bond and then have me go and fuck it all up, liking her this way.

I want to... dance with her.

Heheh... maniacal, I know, but every time I stare at her I just want her sweaty and mellow and pressed against my body. My secret fantasy, the one that haunts my head whenever she looks my way. And I'm damn not getting over her, however straight she may be. I want this girl so badly. I'm going to get her.

Just watch.

Everything, everything will be just fine.

So yeah. 'M basically bored right now, lounging around in a concert My Chemical Romance shirt, plucking away on Paparazzi, dishin' out a sloppily drawn Makuri every so often, staring at the damn "COMPUTER FAIR" (wtf?) trophies adorning my fucking black-purple bedroom. It always bothers me when I do this - when I refuse to do my homework (which, sadly, there is a lot of) because I can't focus. But I have a damn short attention span and I am in no mood for word problems. I know, I know, I'll be staying up all night doing it, but at least I'm being good enough NOT to put it all off until tomorrow. For the time being that is.

Hell, why does this happen? Why do I always feel such a cryptic, inexplicable need to procrastinate? It's almost as though it's a part of my being. My brain won't function correctly unless it's under stress, lots and lots of it. Not saying that I enjoy the stress, but seriously, I've left stuff until the last minute my entire life and hey, it's been working for me.

And yeah, I know, I know - that's gonna change. Been warned a million times. Fully aware. Thanks for your concern. It's a dipshit habit, in my opinion one of my worst, and I fully intend to break it. I just... don't have the patience to do that right now, at this very instant. I don't know why it's so hard. It just is.

Oh, and I'm sure there's a perfectly simple psychological explanation for why I do what I do. I just don't feel up to going off and finding out about it. (Psych... that reminds me about science... which reminds me about homework... -groans- )

Ah well, no hard feelings. I'll just have to apply a little bit extra to breaking that habit these days. Try and get my act together before my time's all out, y'know?

Qwerty <3

It's crazy but I'm hoping to.

Damn. That is honestly all I can say. Damn. I actually forgot to blog yesterday... god, how off am I?

It got me thinking, though. Along with everything else that's happened today that's got me thinking. What the hell am I gonna do once school starts? Sure, it's still summer now, two days left in fact, but F-U-C-K am I gonna be busy once the year goes into action. Besides all the impending stress of a new school, a new crowd, new adjustments to be made, etc., I also have guitar to work on (trained with Max today, that guy is fucking amazing, he's already got me playing serious-shit scales and power chords, I can't believe I used to call myself a guitarist), Miniscus to write (finally I can draw Tadashi-worthy dynamic action sequences, the trick is self-photography), and possible acting classes (how many times must I say it? I don't like acting anymore).

And to be honest, my spare computer time will probably be spent online shopping at HotTopic.com (speaking of which, Springfield Mall shopping spree equals DONE AND DONE), reading/writing(?) my darling most beloved KH/Grav/OP fanfics, or dA'ing away since that's what I do best... Aw, right, and I'm taking yoga classes during the year since my new school starts too early for me to meditate daily anymore. Hells, I'll be lucky if I ever read another book again. (Shit, OR get a boyfriend...)

My point is that I'm worried I'm not gonna be posting a whole lot anymore. That's a fucking scary idea, you know? My hand cramps when I write in an actual journal, so this is the only true place for me to completely spill. And I like having my daily dose of songquotes up on the web (see title of any post).

It's gonna be hard. But I'm really, honestly going to try, because my blog is really important to me. I was so disappointed when I missed a day, you have no idea. Geez.

Qwerty <3