Don't fear the changing times.

I stopped lying. Not just about him to her, but about everything.

I failed a little, changed some and did better (sort of), failed a little more.

I stopped.

I cried.

I went through some fucked-up-in-the-head moments and realized how colloquial it was to even think that.

I told myself I was in love with her.

I told her I was in love with her. Of course I got rejected.

I cried some more.

I heard the truth and kept crying.

I told some truths myself. Later, though.

I found the inner depths of my soul in the least likely and yet most obvious place. It was nice but it didn't break my slump.

It did, however, almost break a friendship.

Then it repaired what was broken.

I wrote a song and realized that even then, as I was crying, that I had spent more time crying in that one week than I had in my entire life.

I made some resolutions. I don't think I followed up on any of them.

I was doing better but then I started to slip.

We made up. I haven't seen her yet.

I saw him and he ignored me. Maybe he's over me.

I realized some things that I should have realized a long long time ago.

I also know that even when I'm hurting, I can sit through the pain and things will all be better in the end.

All my love.

And not pretend I'm off again in my world.

OKAY!! So, from this moment on, I will officially be (probably) posting less frequently. Sure, I'll still do it, but I've also started a Miniscus blog and I need to work on that. I've hired a team of officials, all of whom I fully expect to do their jobs, and together we're going to start working on this project.

Sorry if anyone's disappointed... it's just that after clearing up a bunch of shit in my life, it's obvious that I need to begin doing what I want to do before it's too late. There's been all this controversy between me and some of my friends lately, plus I haven't been getting the best grades so my family is pissed as hell. Besides that, there was the whole Caitlin incident, you know?

But I'm doing really, really well for myself now. I had a hard time rejecting two guys who liked me - Splash and Josh - and I thought stuff was gonna be really, really awkward with both of them. Then we sat down and talked for a while about stupid shit in life and I think it's gonna be okay. There was this whole big fight between me and my three best friends, and then there was the huge make-it-up-outside-in-the-rain-dance and I love them love them looooooove them. My dad started tutoring me in French and as for Bio, I guess I just have to do more work and shit. I (obviously) suck at love, but my GLSBA friends have got my back - and oh yeah, speaking of which, I'm joining the animé cult on Mondays. I have art history and I kick ass, and about Johnathan? This is the ground I'm still shaky on.

His life is bullshit without me. I guess there's no denying that. There's also no fixing it, either. I was so fucking worried for a while that he would, like, try and convert me back to being straight. But I really wouldn't want to be with him even if I still liked guys.

So we're starting over, me and him.

Like I said in my last post, I'm writing a new yaoi. -squees- I have a huge new posse of otaku friends, and we're probably gonna all get together sometime soon.

But beyond it all and on forever, there is and will always be Miniscus. It's what I want and what I've got and what I love, and so now I've gotta shrug away all the other shit, fix all my issues and all that fuck, and honor my commitment like I've always said I would.

Later, dudes.

This will surely fade.

Well, I started writing a yaoi. There's something off about it though, that probably being its overall, um, lack of plot. Yeah. Rare writer's block.

-sobs- I need HAAALP.

I hate it when shit like this happens. I come up with some totally fantabulous idea, something that I'm fucking so fucking exCIted about, and then it just slips through my fingertips like sand. I'm dual-minded, then. A rage contained. And personally I blame the economy.

Like, I need my $$ bad. Without cash, I can't get supplies. Without supplies, my talent is suppressed, and when my talent is suppressed then inspiration is cut off from my body and that nice little flowing river of ideas suddenly hits a fucking DAM.

Damn.

So don't need that.

To be honest, I like the story. I'm a good-as-shit writer, with Lio, Liz and Mbob being the absolutefuckingawesomeesteditorsfuckingEVER, but I have no way to develop it. I want to get this shit published, you know?

It's just that, come on, there's no really way anyone else can get into Sei and Rioyuki's various excursions and escapades if I can't even write the fucking shit. Ah well - there's always media.

Qwerty <3

Just another day that I had the best.

I may have just had one of the best days of my life.

Me and the 4Some went and hung out at the park all day. It was wet and fun and disgusting and we got a million fucking videos for Facebook. I drank me some Monster, Ju Dra got stuck in a tree, and Mbob may in fact have sexually molested a gerbil. Ink was taking pictures the whole time, of course. It was so much fun... I'd totally forgotten how much I love getting my best friends together and doing random shit.

Also, I GOT MY SKETCHBOOK!! and I've been drawing so fucking much. I have Seis, Marano+Train, The Master, and this asshat fucking awesome picture of Tari choking Ëda Mimi to death. (Yes, the Mrain was a Cult Club request.) I love Miniscus. It's the shit. It really is.

And how about that election, huh? There's no way Obama's not gonna win. See? There, just for the record, I SO called that. Haha. All I have to say on that.

Basically, my life is amazingly fun right now. I don't know why. It just is, you know? I mean, it's FUCKING MARVEXIA DAY. 411 forever. And even though I wanted to have our big Cult gathering on AkuRoku day, this is almost as good, you know?

I'm just doing so good. I'm happy as shit, and I've figured out that I don't need to have reached perfection to love it all.

Gonna go watch Hitcher, bitches, and eat me some pocky. Tra tra!!

Qwerty <3

Ups and downs, my heart's a battleground.

So it's getting better, I think. Caitlin's still hot and still a bitch, and for some reason I'm pretty fucking sure she likes me because she's, like, obsessed with hating me. Uh, no. Not. Sorry. But there'll be other girls. I've still got Dez to make me feel better and I can wait around for a real girlfriend. I'm a lesbian; who said shit was gonna be easy for me? It's not. But I'm gonna live, yeah?

I've been depressed lately. Like, a lot. Josh and Sammy and thems are always wanting to hang out with me; there's a TAI concert coming up soon-ish at the Electric Factory, and I so would want to take Josh, except I haven't gotten out of the house much and I don't want to. I'm just not good with facing the world when I'm like this. I'm so tired and bored with life. LOL, or else I'm a fat lazy bastard who won't get off her ass and do shit. Probably the latter. I don't want to do anything though. I can't believe I'm turning down two of my best friends to just sit in my room and cry.

Josh told me he liked me, which made me really upset because he needs to stay gay. Srsly. Also I found out Julien likes me. See, this is precisely why I need the world to know I'm gay, because I've been asked out twice and I think Pizza Guy is stalking me. NO. REALLY.

But, yeah, in terms of the whole depression thingy I'm getting better. Dad spent his life's worth getting me a light table, LOL. I love my daddy. Hart. And I want CorelPainter, but until then I just need a new sketchbook. I'm so fucking tired of postponing Miniscus. So I'm happy right now. Especially because I'm gonna get a bearded dragon and I loooooove them bearded dragonz. Also... House. Yey, I love that show. Especially when the patients, like, get eaten alive by worms and shit. I hate that fucking SLUT DOCTOR though. -eats alive- Nom nom.

Happy and Monsterhigh. Qwerty, bitches! <3

I would feel free to say that I was gay.

Okayokayokay... SO much to tell. Firstly, Caitlin's a bitch. Apparently she was 'scared' I was gonna fucking murder her boyfriend / was gonna rob and/or rape her / all this other shit, so she told her parents. What a little whore. Now I'm in trouble with the admin and all this other shit, plus people are starting to talk. AND I just got back from Truancy Court... soooo not fun, you know?

But this whole thing made me realize just how fucking homophobic the world is. I mean, I've never had a personal encounter with homophobia before. Shit like this always happened to other people and not me. But my theory is that her friends were pressuring her to 'talk to someone about it' so she could 'stand up for being straight.' FUCK. THAT. SHIT. Now all the school people are after my ass, Caitlin's mom is ready to fucking kill me, and on top of it all they had to go tell my parents.

By the way, they were so cool about it. My mom was fucking pissed off at the Dean or whoever the hell was dealing with it because this obviously wouldn't have happened if I was a guy. It's only because I'm a lesbian and that disorients the rest of the world, plus there's the way I dress so that's two strikes against me. And my dad was fucking flaming.

They absolutely took my side, and I am so fucking relieved. I don't think my dad even knew I was a lesbian but he dealt with it so awesome.

Yey.

I love my parents right now, way too much. But I fucking hate the rest of the world. It's like, this all started because of me being lesbo. If I was, by some miracle, male, no one would have fucking cared. Even those therapists and shit were fucking prejudiced; they were all, "She's straight, so back off."

Fuck it. The world doesn't like me because I'm a lesbian. Fuck that, and fuck Caitlin, and fuck everything because I am who I am, and if you don't like it then leave me the fuck alone.

No qwerty today. :(

Sunday morning rain is falling.

Okay... it's raining outside. Funny, somehow I never noticed just how much the weather reflected my moods, you know? Because right now I feel calm. Tranquil. Melancholy. Slightly repressed in and beside what and who I want to be, but static all the same. And it's not depression, just ennui. Repetition.

Hell, I'm Aeleus, because sunny days are good days always.

For once I don't want to go to guitar this afternoon. I'm tired and sick as fuck, I have House to watch and homework to do and on top of it all I have goddamn fucking TRUANCY COURT tomorrow. Shit. I just want to write Miniscus sometimes, okay? I've been searching all night for a domain name host and I don't have enough fucking money for any of them, bitches. Plus I'm tired as piss after the Mirah concert I just went to, even though I've realized "Don't Die in Me" is one of the greatest songs ever.

Shiiiiiiiiiit. I miss CDW, where me and Ju Dra and Em and Ink could just talk about Miniscus and YYE and whatever else the hell we wanted.

But it's raining, and I'm not gonna have enough money to go see AAR this month, I haven't even started working on my H'ween costume, and it's time to fucking face reality: -sigh- I'm never gonna get Caitlin, am I?

Wants to go home.

I'm in a real shitheap right now. All things considered, this might have been one of the worst days of my life. Caitlin knows I like her, and apparently she has "no opinion" on the matter. It's fucked up awful, because I ran down like five blocks trying to chase after her, only to lose sight of her, and then find out that it was all for nothing. Plus everybody in biochem 7th period was all, "Oh, poor you, she's so in love with her boyfriend - " but fuck it.

Did I mention that I might be leaving my house forever?

It's bullshit. Dad's having financial issues because our dumbfuck prez screwed our country over -flips Bush off- and now him and Mom and Jeremy are all worried about what we're gonna do. As in, how they're gonna keep taking care of us.

Mom has this fucktarded suggestion that if Dad can't afford our house anymore, Jeremy could buy it and rent it back out to him. Seriously, why does she think Dad would want anyfuckingthing to DO with Jeremy, let alone be paying him to live in his own damn house?!?? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Jeremy, but today he only had to walk up the front steps and Dad was fuming.

They're also thinking of Mom and Jeremy moving in here, and Dad finding his own place. What the fucking hell?!?? This is MY house. I love Mom and Jeremy but this is not their fucking house. I can't imagine this dump as clean as their place, or as organized. Plus there's no way Sophie would get along with Kiki and Jackson.

Ugh. I just don't want anything to change. I like how I'm living my life, for the most part, and I don't need anything fucking that up. Especially my home.

No one ever thought she could do that.

So I talked to Caitlin. (I'm such a dumbfuck, I've been spelling her name wrong the whole time, LOL.) Anyway, she seems to know I like her; I could swear she was flirting with me, all "Hey there" and "Parting is such sweet sorrow." Ha! Then again, there's no denying her obvious addiction to Matt... though I found out that they've only been dating four months.

Four months. For me and Johnathan, that was about the time when it stopped being awkward and started being obsessive, you know? Like, me talking about him as much as I could, stealing his armbands and sweatshirts and shit, etc. It was that point of a relationship where everything really mattered.

Honestly, unless he's totally metro (or gay, since I don't believe in metros -__- ), I have a feeling Mattie's not quite as fucking in love with Caitlin as she is with him. I mean, I haven't met him or anything, but their was something about how she acted today that told me... I don't know. I might have a chance.

Might. Might it the key word there, kiddies. Got it memorized? Seriously, though, I like this chick, more than I should. And ever since I found out I'm not tied down to a relationship, I've fully and completely decided to win her over.

When I want something to happen, it happens.

So it'd better fucking happen.

I'm really proud of her for at least acknowledging my affection, giving it a chance. Or at least as far as I'm concerned. Because I like this girl. A lot.

Over the line, can't define what I'm after.

I sit here, pining, wasting away, staring out my window like some forlorn Hellsangel from Miniscus waiting for a hundred more souls. My feet, when they walk, have a mind of their own - they carry me not toward my destination but onward, forward, searching for something adventurous, looking for the exit. Exit here, I say. But I just keep on going.

All my life I've been driven by the fact that everything happens for a reason. There are no accidents; their are only explanations. But through these past few months, I've discovered that there isn't always a cause for everything. You know?

Why did Mom meet Jeremy? At a bar, talking about some logic problem. Now look at them.

Why did Aidan abandon us? I don't know, but it caused me serious heartbreak for almost a year. Now he's my editor, and we're almost friends.

Why did I dye my hair blue? Impulse. A need for something different.

Why did Johnathan ask me out? He thought I was hot. Big deal. Never would have guessed his life would end up revolving around me.

What about Miniscus? A dream, that's all. I've always been a writer. Suddenly the mountains were so beautiful that I needed to be an artist too.

There wasn't a reason for any of it to happen. But it did, and it changed our lives. All of us. Sure, there's the cause-and-effect philosophy, but that still doesn't explain WHY. Fate? Doubtful. God? Nonexistent. Random choice of occurrences that happened to react and create something huge.

Battle of Hastings changed the fate of the world, you know? The comet that wiped out prehistoric life forms. Thanks, comet. Else we wouldn't be here. Or let's go back to the Big Bang. How the hell'd we pull that one out our asses?

There aren't reasons. Just explanations. No fate, no destiny, none of that shit. We don't write it ourselves, either.

Sometimes you can't pinpoint it all down. Sorry.

Her body is my coffin.

Wow. Girls should not be allowed to wear some of the sexy shit they do at my school. So I'm sitting there, World History, drawing Kes and minding my own fucking business when Kaitlin comes into the room. And fuck, is she wearing little clothing. Her shorts are smaller than LeMonJeLLo, and might I say they did her ass justice. And her shirt... damn, I can't even begin to tell you about her shirt. One word: LOW-CUT.

So obviously she would notice me staring, right?

Then of course she's all, "Oh yeah, these shorts are short, one day I was wearing them and some guys outside my BOYFRIEND'S house started stalking me..." Yup. Good old Matt, her allegedly sexy boyfriend.

Psh.

She's got no fuckin' right to make me that jealous... or that turned on. And yes you all needed to know that. APPRECIATE THE SMEXED-NESS. APPRECIATE IT.

So maybe my life's not all about love, but people with bodies like Kaitlin sort of ruin my plans, you know? Especially when they feel the need to show it off. Not that I mind it (I'm gonna quote Xiggy here: As if); it's just, I had a plan for my life. I had a mission. It was all worked out. And she had to come along and fuck it all up.

Damn, am I hopeless. I'll just always be this dramatic.

Thanks to LUDO for some blogging inspiration, of course. Cheers!

A disease of the mind, it can control you.

Oh, geez, here we go again. Another night of insomnia. Fuck... fuck. There is no fucking way. This happened every night during the summer, and now it's decided to rear its fugly head and torment me some more.

I have no idea why I have so much trouble focusing. Sure, I'm on an L/Light rampage, on FF.net in serious need of some yaoi 24/7, and unfortunately 11pm-3am is including in that overall range. Also, "Look After You" by The Fray somehow conspires to keep me awake, playing and replaying in my head.

Still, you'd think I'd have some self-control.

This is hard. My mind has shut down but my body's still wide awake. I'm gonna be a zombie tomorrow, and the day after that is PSAT day so this is deep shit. If I do this tomorrow night, I'm screwed... trouble with the mumzie and all...

I hatehatehate insomnia. Sure, it led me to Gravitation, as well as ZoSan and Chouse, but beyond that it really doesn't do me any good. Headaches, nausea, stimulated fainting, inability to respond intelligently, highly unattractive raccoon eyes - none of it really makes me happy, you know?

So let me just put out this warning to the universe in general: DON'T GO INSOMNIAC. Bad things will happen. It's like alcohol, cutting, drugs, smoking, chocolate, because it makes itself a habit. I stayed up until 9 am once and thought that I'd be fine.

Now every night I'm up staring at my purple-black walls, trying to get the song of the day out of my head.

Fuck. Just be careful about staying up, got me? Shut off your compys at a reasonable hour. Make yourself some non-herbal tea and get the fuck into bed because you're going to be in hell for the next few weeks if you're up too late. Maybe you don't need as much sleep as the average person - i.e., that's how I am - but trust me, crashing midday and going zombie until it gets dark is not a pleasant experience.

So get some rest. Because it's 11:32 pm Eastern time, and I know I'm gonna be up later than this. Shit.

You might regret what you let slip away.

Okay... I'm fucking sick of letting my life revolve around romance. Seriously, it's only boredom and envy and a terrifyingly strong sex drive that I give a shit about anyway; I know I don't need someone "special" [fuck that] in my life, and I'm not gonna make things harder for me by pretending I really do.

SO!! From this moment on, I resolve to let love come to me. I won't keep acting desperate, won't constantly hunger for romantic attention. And since I'm tired of being all desolate and miserable and depressed, I'm going to focus on the good things in life.

Like guitar. With Max. <3 I loooove him so fucking much. If I was straight I'd totally dig him, which is somewhat of a disturbing thought. LOL. But he taught me some U2 today and it was so. Much. Fun. One of those few things that can get me off my lazy screensaver ass and not totally dread it, you know?

ALSO. Miniscus - what else? I am a brilliant little piece of shit with Haru-worthy sexyfine characters in a universe Tolkien would be jealous of. I can draw maaaaaayyyyyybbbbbeeeee not as well as my M'brabriia, but close enough. My style's a lot... darker than hers, to put it mildly. Honestly, though? Most people don't have their careers laid out for them when they're fourteen. I'm a lucky little bitch. And Miniscus is going to be a ginormous hit in the world of manga. I've got it made, bitchez.

Oh yeah, and let's not forget DWWP, my college comics course. And Manna, which is good enough despite its... older... members. Plus GLSBA, der!! Gay-straight alliances are my best friend. And Nicole and Michael are two of my absolute favorite people now.

Really, then, my life is not as bad as I make it out to be. I fucking cried today for the first time in almost a year - no, graduation doesn't count so shut the fuck up - and now I'm realizing what a spoiled little shit I am.

I don't need love when I've got skills and friends and shit. My life is amazing. I am fantastically, ridiculously talented, gifted and lucky.

So why the fuck do I still feel so empty...?

Turn off the sun, but I'm still gonna shine.

WTF?!?? What. The. Fuck. FACEBOOK IS DOWN!! I don't know what the hell happened, but all of a fucking sudden I can't connect to the URL... I am seriously fucking pissed off. I'm on writers' block and the next One Piece book hasn't come out yet and I had to go see some stupid museum and now I'm just about ready to kill myself...

So you know what?? Fine. Whatever!! I'm gonna prove to my shitty Internet connection that I can in fact survive without Facebook. After all, I can work on my Shadow Hunter fanfic for Kestreus. I think I'll do that, actually. And it doesn't matter if they shut down fucking Photo Booth because I have a camera, dammit. If I have to do stuff the old-school way, I will.

But NOTHING. Is going. To take away my entertainment.

I guess my mental state has finally been pushed to the point where it can't take any more rejection, and more heartbreak, any more fear or pessimism or false hope or stress. Or just general boredom. But whatever it is, I'm fucking sick of screwing stuff up or having stuff screw me over. I am going to get some fun out of my life, however the hell much work it takes to do it. I love my Axl, but sometimes he fucks up, and this is the last straw. I don't blame him - he's too wonderful a computer - I blame his programmers and whatever shitty flawed tech they're using these days.

Fucking fuck that shit. I will be entertained.

On another note, I'm gonna go watch Neurotically Yours, dammit. Hahaha!!

Qwerty <3

My head gets so confused.

Wow... I was looking back at my old blog posts a few minutes ago, and honestly I just had to laugh. I said stuff like, "How will I ever find a boyfriend?" and, "I want a guy that likes me for me."

Bull. Fucking. Shit.

I was so... I don't know. Straight. Ugh. I mean, I might be madly in luv with Chase, Axel, Yuki, et al, but that's affection for an attractive character. I will never date a guy again because - like it or not, Johnathan - I am a lesbian.

It's not that I don't find guys sexy. I do, just... not real ones. Or at least, not ones that I'll ever see walking down the street. (LMAO, just remembered Jesse Spencer.) I couldn't go out with a guy if I wanted to.

Why? It's, uh, kind of hard to explain. I guess the two main reasons are (1) I don't like dick the way J-Star does, and (2) sexist as it may sound, I can't stand being the girl of a relationship. That's just not what I do. I like to be the "guy," be the one who stands there with her arm around her girlfriend and pays for their dates and... uh... tops.

Not trying to get labeled as a dyke, people. I hate that word. I mean, I wear lace skirts and corsets, and I hate sports, and to be honest rap can go fuck itself for all I care. I draw, I write, I fangirl, I swear-to-fucking-god I sing. Plus I'm fucking HOT. I am so far from manly, it's not even funny.

But - DESPITE MY STUPID SEMEUKE.COM QUIZ RESULTS - I would rather start, lead, protect a relationship than listen, follow, take advantage of it. It's really difficult to put into words. But I know the feeling.

And it sucks, because I think Splash kind of likes me. I mean, we just started talking the other day, and I never told him I was a lesbian, and he shows more interest in me than he has any other new girl at Central. So yeah, I feel bad.

But it's not my fault. I am who I am. And when I kiss a girl... I like it.

And I don't feel like I am strong enough.

Sorry... been a long, long time. I know. I just couldn't compel myself to write here often enough. So much has been happening lately... in between Miniscus, GLSBA, Ju Dra's dog and Emmy's YYE, besides meeting David and Nirvana and Nicole, I've had so much to think about.

So let me put it this way: I've found the meaning of my life. And it isn't love, the way I always thought it would be. It's not my sister or my friends or even Kingdom Hearts. It's Miniscus. It always has been, really. Why do you think I put so much pressure on myself every time I couldn't draw, every time I hit writers' block?

I'm meant to get this done. I'm meant to show it to the world, meant to see Japanese and Americans alike fangirl over it, ship Duskmic and mention YYE and give it a place on FF.net - why did I ever think my life was worth anything more?!??

Seriously, though, something happened to me. Something kind of big, bigger than it should have been anyway. And I was emotionally unstable, like, to the core, for about five seconds... before I asked myself what the HELL I was doing. Miniscus is my commitment. Honest to god, if the world can't except that, then fuck them. Fuck them all. Fuck my guidance counselor who thinks I have "more potential." Fuck my so-called friends who write me off as a hardcore geek. Fuck all that shit, because I just wasn't born to be happy with a person.

So if my life turns around and I do manage to get a girlfriend, then that's great. But I'm not strong enough to get committed to people anymore. I've made that mistake two fucking times already. No more. NO MORE.

Fuck it. I can write and write and write and be alone all my life if I have to.

As long as I'm writing.

Holding on to what I'm feeling.

Ex-fucking-hausted right now. I slept with my contacts in, tragically enough, and now my eyes feel like fuck, though it is probably all psychological. And damn, we had phys ed today and I just about died. Horrifying.

So what's new with me? Mainly it has to do with joining GLSBA, the gay-straight alliance at Central. -squee- I am SO happy. Seeing people there, who aren't afraid to show the world who they really are, just made me absolutely euphoric. It's every Tuesday, the one day a week when my sched's clear.

It'll sound cheesy as hell, but I really bonded with those people. Mikey, Gary and Reshana are some of the coolest human beings on the face on the planet. I was one of the only freshmen there but they all got along with me fair, so I had an overall fantastic time.

I love, love, love being out. When I heard some of their stories about homophobic parents and disownment, shit like that, it made me realize how shittin' lucky I am to have parents who totally accepted my sexuality, just like that. It's just an amazing freedom to go around and rub it in the face of my homophobes of classmates that I'm a lesbian. Their reactions always make me laugh.

Honestly, I used to be afraid of accepting this. Now, though, I don't think I could ever let it go. I like girls. And before it bothered me - not that I had a problem with it, I just never used to be that great on identity and stuff - but now it's one of my defining traits.

I love GLSBA. It's an amazing place to be, with amazing people to hang out with. My year has just been getting better and better. Ridiculous, how easily my problems can be fixed sometimes.

Then again... not like this was ever a PROBLEM.

Fuck you, homophobes. XD

Qwerty <3

And I wonder if I'm just built this way.

Well, here's to another shitty day gone by. To be honest, I'd rather blog for eternity or at least watch the eighth One Piece movie a couple more times, if not, say, The Grudge. But -sigh- I have homework to do. Yeah, life is bullshit.

So I'm procrastinating again. So what? I want to talk to the girl I love. I want to run around screaming. I want to write my manga, project my own hurt and confusion and pain right into the characters I love so dearly. I want to stab everything I see. I want to feel regret. I want to confess. I want to all at once live and die.

Unfortunately, it's the 21st century, and I have homework to do.

Why am I even bothering to write this, you ask? Because I'm trying to ponder the answer to a question. It always deeply, deeply bothers me when I am unable to do what I need to do and instead end up doing what I want to do - in short, procrastinating. Yup. I know, here we go again.

I do it a lot. PROBLEM!! It prevents me from catching up to everybody else in school. I just generally fall behind and go into a shitty mood. But music is a drug to me; I can't let go of it. I'm a manga addict, obviously. Can't really read or draw while solving equations, can you?

I just want to let go. To change myself for once. To evaporate the nervousness, the guilt that gnaws at me from the inside when I leave everything until the last minute. Unfortunately, I can't.

I was born this way, and all my life I will live this way. I will die this way.

Fuckers, do I hate homework.

Qwerty <3

There's no way to deny she's lovely.

I don't understand why Johnathan won't just go for this friend of his. Apparently she's smart, sweet, hot, you know. What else does he fucking want? But noooo, apparently she's a skank so he's just got to stay away from her.

What the fucking FUCK?!?

It makes zero sense to me how a guy's so afraid of rejection that he'll hold back. Guys are fucking dumbshits who can't see past their own hand in a stream of sunlight. There are, uh, obvious reasons I don't find them attractive; their general stupidity is one of them. Sure, I have plenty of guy friends. But honestly, I can't say I'd put Johnathan on that list.

He's an idiot. If he likes a girl, why can't he just go for it? Why would he ignore her over some stupid rumor? It it because he's wasting his time crying over me? Fuck that shit. I am so tired of him staying stuck on this.

I can't stand, can't stand, can't fucking stand him when he's like this. He doesn't even deserve my attention, that bitch. He's too obsessed with getting his old, allegedly "perfect" life back to focus on moving on. Well, guess what? He's just gonna screw things over more for himself.

I want to scream at him sometimes. He doesn't understand that this isn't some fantasy world where he can just wallow in his own misery and there won't be consequences. This is a reality. You who have been reborn, color your eyes without smiling alone (thank you, Sakuma-san). That's right, Johnathan.

Without. Smiling. Alone.

Without.

Qwerty <3

Suddenly burned to ash.

Okay, the other day I was at school and I got this assignment that got me thinking, like, way too much for schoolwork. It wasn't, like, even normal. Basically, I was instructed to write a paragraph about what I would do if I only had one year left to live.

Miniscus and Dez were the first two things that immediately came to mind. My series, of course, would have to be finished; that's not a dream I would ever let slip away, within or between life, death, and anything else. I would finish as much as I could, and leave my plans for the rest of the series in the hands of my sister(s) and best friend(s). Yeah, you decide where Ju Dra falls. I've made my choice.

With Dez... I guess I would try and go see her. Yeah, I definitely would. Maybe track her down, stalk her a little. LOL. But I'd obviously want to, like, genuinely meet her, interactive, voice-to-voice and face-to-face, before dying. One of my biggest wishes right there, bitches. Take it home.

Uh huh... and I'd turn all nice, and everything. Sell my shit. Do favors. Kiss my parents good night, you know? (Not that I don't already... oh, am I a n00b. Kya!) The point is, when I think deeply about this stuff it honestly makes me realize how much more I could be trying to accomplish in life. I'm a fucking loser and I sure am proud of it, but wouldn't you want to make yourself respected, or at least known, before you die?

I would be miserable that year. Not because I fear death - I mean, as long as it's both painless and fearless, I could accept it - but because I've got too many life goals. I'd never meet all of them. A year? Some serious fucked up shit, man.

But I guess that's the life of some people. When they learn the news, it's like their world turns to ash, suddenly and surely. Horrible. I pity them way too much to be healthy.

Do you want to see death coming? I don't want to be there when I die, but I'm still not sure if I want to know ahead of time.

Qwerty <3

Break me down, and bury me, bury me.

So I found out that the girl I love is going to have to make a decision involving me and her girlfriend. That's right. She's gonna have to choose between us. I'm not sure what initiated this, but I do know that I'm as nervous as hell, because if she gives up on me I'm gonna be a fucking train wreck for the rest of my life.

I freak out when I'm nervous, which is all the more upset. I tremble, I cry, and silent tears roll down my face as I rub my hands raw in an attempt to get warm, because all the blood has left my body and gone to my head. I can't think. Speak. Breathe.

I hate myself at these points of time. I want to destroy the inner core of my being, get on my hands and knees and beg someone to shoot me through the head. Ask them and plead them to end my existence, because anticipation is too great an emotion and I'll die anyway if I have to go through it for any longer.

But enough emo shit. I've got to find a distraction, and this is basically it. I'm not totally sure what'll happen to me if this girl chooses to stay with her current girlfriend. I'll freak, obviously. It won't be nerve-wracking anymore.

It won't, because I'll be dead inside.

This girl means the world to me, and if I really have to let her go so soon after finding her, after learning the purpose of my life (other than Miniscus), then... bad... things... will happen. Uh.

Yeah.

I'm not so good at letting people go. I'm even worse at getting them out of my head. But I've always managed to do it in the end. But she... she's different. Different from all the rest of them. Why? Because I love her. And I trust her. And she's barely met me but already she knows me, the real me, for who I am.

I love that. And I love her. So what's my purpose if I've gotta give her up?

Qwerty <3

Because it's now or never.

Well, today was weird. Kaitlin came back to school, even smiled at me a couple times, looking cute as always in her skinny jeans and pink converses, and I didn't even blink. It's insane how unmoved I am by her all of a sudden. I fell right out of love with that girl.

I swear, though, it's as if just when I stop liking her, I start having a chance with her. [That idiot] Justin - I love you anyway, Jus - told her that I thought she was hot, and she laughed and said, "I know," and gave me this huge, cute grin. A few days ago my heart would have been racing a million miles an hour. Today it sat calmly in my chest while I smiled back evenly.

What the fuck happened to "Kaitlin = love LIEK oh-em-gee" from last week? Why am I so suddenly changed? Today was my chance, my absolute number one chance, and yet I completely let it slide through my fingertips. And the strangest part was, I didn't even mind. I was totally cool with letting her walk away, no vow, no wink, no final word. She left and I left and it was the end of it.

I see myself as a moon, a fickle and unpredictable deity that watches, loves, learns, and lets go. I'm constantly shifting and changing like clouds. But most of all I'm like rain, because no matter how much I'm brushed away, I'm stubborn as shit when I want something... and then I leave, just like that. Damn, am I special.

Just kidding. Still, though, it'd be nice if I could control some of the shit I feel. But I can't. Hearts grow without permission, those sneaky little bastards.

Qwerty <3

I'd make you believe, I'd make you forget.

Del Rey manga. Submission requirements: concise description of story concept, 1-2 page detailed plot summary, character profiles [written], character profiles [drawn], complete artwork for first 10-20. Check, check, check, check, and... almost-check. So as soon as I get books 1-4 (just so I'm backed up in terms of scheduling and all that) 100% finished, it's goodbye hiding-in-my-room, hello publishing-for-Miniscus. YES.

Okay, so maybe they won't like it. Fine by me. There's always TOKYOPOP, whom I've known to publish unsolicited submissions. Geez, half their shit is from America. I think. And maybe I won't be good enough for them because I'm fucking "in high school" and that's "a problem." In the words of the ever-wise Foamy, they can really just fuck off and die.

Miniscus is my everything, and no amount of schoolwork or romantic/social tension is ever going to keep me away from it. No goddamn half-assed self-absorbed media-addicted publishing company is gonna screw things over just because they reject my life dream. I always have El Peruvian Cosco. XD

The world needs to know about it. More importantly, though, the fandom needs to know about it.

Sometimes I wonder what I would be like right now if I had never created Miniscus. It was a combination of One Piece, Julia, and the salty beach air that made Makuri into a drawing in a skull-fronted black notebook, but everyone else had a mind of their own when they appeared. If it hadn't been that exactly place at that exact time when I decided to draw a twice-reincarnate pyromaniac with a star tattooed on her cheek, Miniscus might not even exist.

It's a scary thought, considered it's what fills up every one of those 18 sketchbooks, every single of those 57 notebooks that currently litter the shelves of my room. I'm fucking addicted to it just like up fucking addicted to every other singular living thing I give a shit about, and it ain't fucking fair.

But I wouldn't be me without it, you know? I wouldn't have a career already pending at the age of fourteen, and I wouldn't be dying inside every time a star fell from the sky. I am who I am, and it'll never change.

Self-centeredly yours.

All my life I've waited, this is true.

I've been afraid to face her. It doesn't feel right - not morally, but emotionally. I know that no matter what I do, I'll never be the only one. And I know I should call it a draw, get over her, and move on.

But I can't do that. I'm orbited and I can't pull away. She's more than just incredible, she's a world of her own. I'm stuck, fallen. Infatuated, hypnotized, obsessed. I guess it's not in my nature to feel minutely or neutrally about anything; I've always been the addictive type. Now it's coming back to haunt me.

It's not fair. I finally fine someone who I stick to like residue, and I find out (though I've always known) that I'm not nearly as important to her as she is to me. It'll always be this way, I guess. Forever. No matter who it is, I love more every time. It's impossible to defeat, but I can't let it keep happening or I'll never truly be happy.

I don't want to put pressure on her, change anything to make it better between us, and so I'm trying to sever what does exist. I really am. She and her girlfriend are seriously happy together and I just stumbled in and messed it all up.

And I want to get out, now. The problem is it's not that easy, because she's amazing.

I don't know what's wrong with me, why I'm this obsessed. I love her, but I hate myself. I can't get over her, but I have to. And yet I don't want to.

So it's the luck of the draw now. Fate. Whatever happens will happen, and I won't be there to change it because I can't.

I threw myself into this. But the sides are smooth and the sky is far away, and it'll be a long time until I see the light of day.

A statue of myself, of course.

So I talked to Johnathan. He seemed sort of let down to find out that I'm a total lesbian for now, but even if I still dug guys I wouldn't get back with him. I really don't know what I ever saw in him. Basically all he did last night while we were talking was complain excessively about how he couldn't find anyone like him.

Ugh. OKAY... that is not the point of relationships, friend- or romance-based. Sure, you want someone who you can relate to, who you can pick distinct characteristics from that resemble what's often on your mind. Sure, you don't want to be stuck hands-in-your-lap with nothing to say.

But so fucking what if they're a little happier than you!? Doesn't that do good things for a relationship's foundations? Whatever happened to opposites attract? Seme and uke? Where's the yin and yang (au contraire, Ronan and Zela don't quite pass) of relationships today?

So you don't want a fucking fluke, i.e., Roxine. SO WHAT? If you like someone who's not a total clone of you, why don't you just climb out of your shallow little pool of self-pity and misery and give them a fucking chance? What is so damn wrong with disagreeing? Ink, Jude and Em aren't my best friends because we're similar. We're all incredibly different people - Indi's a control freak, Juli's careless, Emmy's hyper, and I'm psycho. But KH, Grav, DN, OP and A:tLA bring us together, and everything we've been through helps that hold strong.

Johnathan, I don't care what you say. I'm not like you. I will never be like you. You think you're so far above the rest of us, except for those you've picked specially to be on your level because they 'get' you. I know I'm not that great. I could call myself a serious disgrace to humanity if I wanted. Sure, I've got qualities, but in the long run, I know that me being different, for better or for worse, is a positive thing.

And you, my friend, are thoroughly unable to realize that.

We're different, and I still don't like you. So shove it up your ass and fucking deal with it.

Qwerty <3

Afraid to tell you how I feel about you.

OMFG... okay, I have this feeling that I might actually have a chance with this girl. There's someone she really likes, as in obviously really likes, and I'm starting to think it might actually be me. I can't believe this is really happening. It's been so long since I've been in such a positive romantic situation, and I'm euphoric.

Then again... argh. Shit. What if I'm wrong? What if I told her and it ended up being someone else she had fallen for? I'd feel like an idiot. Humiliated. I'd never be able to speak to her again.

I just don't know what to do at this point. I've fallen hard for someone who I barely know, and I'd be crushed, broken if they didn't return my feelings. Then again, my life has been taking a turn for the better lately. But that could also mean that I'm getting selfish, overconfident.

I like this girl. A lot. Way too much, I know, and everyone I knew would be shocked to find out how I met her, how I knew her. It's not the greatest position ever. But I'm willing to go pretty far to get to where I want to be.

I might not ever see her... Even if she does like me, there are just so many things that could go so incredibly wrong.

But I can't help it. I've never fallen so hard so fast, and I don't know what to do.

Qwerty <3

Wanna wake up where you are.

Okay. New subject (sort of...) - and you're all (all?) going to think I'm psycho, after seeing some of the shit I said about Kaitlin. I think I might be, uh, romantically interested again. In. Someone. Else.

This person is seriously driving me right now. Like, way too much. It's not even funny. I don't know her all that well, but I wish I could. She's addictive, more so than Kaitlin is. My impression is she's pretty sweet. I like her. A lot. I don't want to say the word love, since the world will view me as a melodramatic psycho shit. But honestly, Kaitlin was just cute. Hot. Whatever. This girl... god, she's just fucking incredible!

I've never been this shy before. Really, I've never been shy. At all. But this girl just leaves me speechless. I'm afraid that anything I say to her will sound stupid. She doesn't even know my full name. She probably doesn't give a shit about me until some little sign reminds her. Bet I'm just another scratch on the surface of her tilted life.

I don't want to let go of this one. I'm letting Kaitlin go; I know I have to get over her. It's time for that ship to sail. (LOL... cheesy shit much?) But I'm not gonna lose a second time. Maybe I just won't tell her. I'm afraid of losing what we do have, even if it's barely anything, even if I want it to be more.

Damn, why do I want her this bad!? (Most of you are probably going, "Uh... déjà vu much?") I feel so awkward talking to her, but at the same time I want to tell her my life story. She's got an incredible personality. Though I know beauty is more than skin deep, she's beautiful. Pretty hot as far as I can tell. I've been feeling broken; what if she could pick up the pieces?

As always, she's taken. Blah, blah, blah. But still. She actually likes girls, so I'm not totally hopeless.

And I'm not gonna name names, but I hope to god she never reads this, because she'll know right away that I'm talking about her. Then I would have to kill myself.

Is love at first sight real? I didn't use to think so.

Now... I guess I do. <3

You give me something I can hold on to.

Wow... there's a new hope lighting up my life, a little spark that keeps me running high. I've found a new friend, someone who gives me something to look forward to every day when I come home from school. She's got a lot in common with me as far as I know, and I enjoy every minute of speaking with her. I like how she gets me for who I am. Most people don't see me this way, but I really feel like she does.

On my harshest days, it's thinking of her upcoming emails or blog posts that gets me through it all. She's an incredibly nice person and as far as I know, she thinks I'm pretty cool. I like that. I like having a friend to rely on. It's something that I need; sometimes the people I pass by each and every day aren't really looking at me, they're looking through me. Know what I mean? If I tried to lean on them, I would pass like a phantom right through each of them, because that's how I appear to others.

The fantastic thing about this new friend of mine is that she read my words before she knew what I looked like. She's seen beyond just the surface, beyond what I am, deep down to who I am. Who.

I'm not going to just say she's my new, like, romantic obsession. Sometimes having someone as just a friend, deeper than shallow, is what I need the most. And I'm not going to deny that she sounds pretty damn fucking cute, I wouldn't want to screw things up even more. I need someone to talk to, really spill my guts to.

And from what I know of her, she's just the person.

Since I'm not sure if she wants, like, confidentiality claims, I'm going to go ahead and keep her anonymous. But you know who you are, and this is my absolute thank-you to you for all that you've been doing for me. I appreciate it more than you know.

Qwerty <3

A tragic tale of all that's yet to come.

Believe it or not... life is finally looking up for me.

I have started Miniscus. I am so incredibly, disturbingly, ridiculously proud of myself. Not only is the drawing going easier than I had thought it would, getting this far just provides me with so much optimism for my life. The world is going to see my characters, and it is going to love them as intensely as I love Axel or Yuki or Zolo or anyone else I've ever been addicted to. And that right there is the damn fucking truth.

Johnathan's been trying to contact me again. I never realized how much I missed him up until now, not as a boyfriend but as a person in general. Maybe he doesn't understand me the way we both once thought he did, but it sure as hell will be nice to have his friendship back. Besides that, I saw Connor and Jackie today, and just got so ridiculously infatuated with the both of them. I literally couldn't let go when I hugged them. So socially, I guess I'm doing all right.

School is tough, but my lurvely iPod ("AkuRoku," of course) makes everything better. I've never been a particularly sit-and-listen kind of person, and those lectures really do their job lulling you to sleep. Especially Algebra... damn, I'm fucking failing. French is all right. I never was particularly smart, but whatever.

And seeing The Eye made my day. I've already watched it a million times over, but it just reminded me how much I love horror movies.

Okay, so I'm not doing perfect. There's still Kaitlin. Kaitlin. I know it's hopeless, but moving on has always been so hard for me. I'm so fucking clingy is why.

Miniscus is my story, in a way. It has its ups and downs, and a lot of it is just tragedy, foreshadowing the dark destiny of what lies ahead for Haroun. For Makuri, Økitu, Winter and Tari. For me, too. And in the end, it's still flawed. It's still broken.

But it's always got hope.

When all you ever gave me were open wounds.

So that's that. She told me exactly how she feels about her boyfriend and that's fine. That's normal. She doesn't want to be with me.

Oh my fucking god...

I feel like such a hopeless idiot. I know and I know and I know again that she's taken, she's disinterested, and hell, she's straight. How could I let myself fall so hard for her? I'm addicted to the air she breathes. I worship the ground she walks on. My heart stops when her gorgeous mocha eyes pin me to the wall, focus on me out of everybody else. I forget her name, forget everything I've ever learned about her when she looks at me that way, because she's too divine to hold an identity. Her delicate artistry is moving. Her articulacy is astounding. She's just out of reach and I need her to hold me or I'll be paralyzed until the end of time.

Kaitlin, Kaitlin, Kaitlin. She doesn't realize how much she means to me, no matter how clear I make it to her. Petty, time-wasting, stalker-y things like calling her "hot girl," or stupid things (i.e. mentioning her height) that I always regret saying afterward.

I mean, it's not like she'd take any interest in me even if she was attracted to women. I'm surprised she gives me the time of day. She could lend her musical voice to anyone she wanted, but when she's chosen me to speak to it means the world to me.

Doesn't she understand what she's done to me? She laughs but my heart is shattered. She smiles that angel's smile at me but my soul is shredded at the seams. She's killing me softly and I'll never get over it, at least not as long as she's got me anchored to her ground. She calls me a friend when all she ever does is cut me up from the inside.

But I shouldn't have expected any less. Of course someone as flawless as her would have a boyfriend. And apparently he's a poet and a manga artist like I am. Bet I'm better at both, but he's a guy so there's no competition.

Why can't she understand? Why do I need her the way I do?

And you're telling me that I'm not to blame.

It's fucking pouring outside and I'm bull-tired. Miss Kaitlin, miss Dee and MISS M'BRABRIIA. Also... wanna see Josh and Sammy since they're my loves. And Jackie...

Okay, I know what my problem is. I don't spend enough time with my friends. Seriously, I feel like I'm always blowing them off to go draw or write. Hell, instead of hanging out with Josh/Sammy/Gabby, or stalking Kaitlin (kawaii <3), I waste my lunches on Miniscus. I can't help it; I love Miniscus. I love it as much as I love almost all of my friends (my gruesome threesome beats it, but they're them).

And I know, I know, I fucking know that I need to be more social. I'm not exactly popular, but there are plenty of people out there who care about me. A lot. And I wish I could treat them with the same affection and admiration that they express towards me, but I can't. I'm bitchy and insensitive by nature. I'm intense, quiet, and self-absorbed around the people who don't know my true geeky personality; I become a pissy loser, ungrateful towards everyone who's so nice to her.

They brush it off and act like it's all right. They respect my wishes and give me space. But I don't deserve it, and every time I feel like more and more of a selfish bitch. I'm not trying to isolate myself, but sometimes it seems like I'm slipping away.

Maybe it isn't my fault. That's what they say, and I'd really be a bad friend if I didn't believe them.

That's the world we've gotta take on, though. Drama and doubt.

Qwerty <3

Baby, just take your time.

Oh. Em. Gee. The girl of my dreams... is. Talking. To. Me.

YEHEHEHESSSSS!!

And she likes me, too!! I mean, not the way I like her (obviously - she has a boyfriend and all), but that doesn't stop her from at least wanting to be my friend. Despite certain failure on that Algebra exam, and possible preliminary breakdown in French (dude, I like French too), she makes going to school every day worth it.

Every morning when I'm getting dressed, she's the one who I think about. Would Kaitlin like this? Would Kaitlin like that? What will she think? I've never cared about how good I look as much as I do now. Besides the stalking part, I'm utterly obsessed with her opinion of me. I can't get this girl out of my head.

What is it that draws me to her, anyway? Some would say fate, or even desperation; personally, I call it G-R-A-V-I-T-A-T-I-O-N. Gravitation. I'm drawn to her for reasons I cannot comprehend. I just feel this overwhelming need to be with her, to take her in my arms and never let go. She's so small; I want to protect her from the big world out there. She's so... I don't know... petite and wiry and sweet.

I'm totally in love. It's not even funny, how addicted I am. Every time I see her, our exchanged smiles light up my world and I feel euphoric.

So euphoric, in fact, that I think I can wait until she falls for me.

Qwerty <3

Even heroes have the right to dream.

I've been musing again. Yeah, it happens a lot. But to be honest, I'm pretty sure that this time it's meaningful, more so than anything else I've written.

What the hell am I gonna do with my life? My number one goal is Miniscus. That's the only aspiration that I have: to get it published and see the world's acceptance of my characters as another vintage point for fandom. The way I see myself in ten years is a graphic novelist, well-known and acclaimed (or so I would hope)... living in a tiny, messy studio-apartment with CDs, DVDs and v-games for friends. Eat when I want. Sleep when I want. Hot Topic and Urban Outfitters rather than shopping for the family - unmarried, probably not in a relationship. No kids, nothing. Nada.

Basically... I want to be a loser.

Is this normal, to want to obtain this kind of existence? Doubtful. Just today I told Jackie on the Green Line that I want to hide myself away from the rest of the world as my manga becomes a success, staying in touch only with close friends, leading my life like the poor shit I'll probably be. In reality, I think it's because I want to be young and irresponsible, disorganized and self-managed forever.

On some level, isn't that what we all want? To be kids - teens - forever. Only that way, we could take lead of our miserable, oafish lives, telling the world that we choose to live them that way.

On some level... isn't it?

I'm in love with a girl.

What is with this girl??!! One glance, one fucking glance and I was smitten. It's like I have to be with her. I know I must have scared her, thrown her off with all the sensual staring and smirking and winking. And I know she has a boyfriend (one of the few things I do know about her). But every time I look at her my heart skips a beat. I feel an overwhelming range of emotions. I forget about everything else in my way.

And it's not like I even like her as a human being. Sure, she's the most beautiful silent goddess to have ever walked this earth, but I also like being the only one around with an inch of eyeliner dripping down my face. Her voice irritates me to no end. Her hair - ugh, blondlighting the tips is sooo overrated. First Mia, now her?

But I can't stop thinking about her. My chest tightens when she looks my way. Not out of nervousness - I think her opinion on me is clear by now - but out of... I don't know. Something else, something stronger and deeper and truer. I can't fucking get her out of my head. She's everywhere, everywhere, everywhere I turn, and for someone who doesn't give a shit about others' opinions I'm wondering about hers a little too much. I don't want to be her friend; hell, that's the last thing I want, for us to develop some kind of deep bond and then have me go and fuck it all up, liking her this way.

I want to... dance with her.

Heheh... maniacal, I know, but every time I stare at her I just want her sweaty and mellow and pressed against my body. My secret fantasy, the one that haunts my head whenever she looks my way. And I'm damn not getting over her, however straight she may be. I want this girl so badly. I'm going to get her.

Just watch.

Everything, everything will be just fine.

So yeah. 'M basically bored right now, lounging around in a concert My Chemical Romance shirt, plucking away on Paparazzi, dishin' out a sloppily drawn Makuri every so often, staring at the damn "COMPUTER FAIR" (wtf?) trophies adorning my fucking black-purple bedroom. It always bothers me when I do this - when I refuse to do my homework (which, sadly, there is a lot of) because I can't focus. But I have a damn short attention span and I am in no mood for word problems. I know, I know, I'll be staying up all night doing it, but at least I'm being good enough NOT to put it all off until tomorrow. For the time being that is.

Hell, why does this happen? Why do I always feel such a cryptic, inexplicable need to procrastinate? It's almost as though it's a part of my being. My brain won't function correctly unless it's under stress, lots and lots of it. Not saying that I enjoy the stress, but seriously, I've left stuff until the last minute my entire life and hey, it's been working for me.

And yeah, I know, I know - that's gonna change. Been warned a million times. Fully aware. Thanks for your concern. It's a dipshit habit, in my opinion one of my worst, and I fully intend to break it. I just... don't have the patience to do that right now, at this very instant. I don't know why it's so hard. It just is.

Oh, and I'm sure there's a perfectly simple psychological explanation for why I do what I do. I just don't feel up to going off and finding out about it. (Psych... that reminds me about science... which reminds me about homework... -groans- )

Ah well, no hard feelings. I'll just have to apply a little bit extra to breaking that habit these days. Try and get my act together before my time's all out, y'know?

Qwerty <3

It's crazy but I'm hoping to.

Damn. That is honestly all I can say. Damn. I actually forgot to blog yesterday... god, how off am I?

It got me thinking, though. Along with everything else that's happened today that's got me thinking. What the hell am I gonna do once school starts? Sure, it's still summer now, two days left in fact, but F-U-C-K am I gonna be busy once the year goes into action. Besides all the impending stress of a new school, a new crowd, new adjustments to be made, etc., I also have guitar to work on (trained with Max today, that guy is fucking amazing, he's already got me playing serious-shit scales and power chords, I can't believe I used to call myself a guitarist), Miniscus to write (finally I can draw Tadashi-worthy dynamic action sequences, the trick is self-photography), and possible acting classes (how many times must I say it? I don't like acting anymore).

And to be honest, my spare computer time will probably be spent online shopping at HotTopic.com (speaking of which, Springfield Mall shopping spree equals DONE AND DONE), reading/writing(?) my darling most beloved KH/Grav/OP fanfics, or dA'ing away since that's what I do best... Aw, right, and I'm taking yoga classes during the year since my new school starts too early for me to meditate daily anymore. Hells, I'll be lucky if I ever read another book again. (Shit, OR get a boyfriend...)

My point is that I'm worried I'm not gonna be posting a whole lot anymore. That's a fucking scary idea, you know? My hand cramps when I write in an actual journal, so this is the only true place for me to completely spill. And I like having my daily dose of songquotes up on the web (see title of any post).

It's gonna be hard. But I'm really, honestly going to try, because my blog is really important to me. I was so disappointed when I missed a day, you have no idea. Geez.

Qwerty <3

Just our hands clasped so tight.

...Okay. Fine. I miss him.

Just a little. Just the way he spoke to me tenderly, choice of words always poetic as possible, speaking of how he didn't understand me, how I was his confusion and his destroyer and his universe. Just his goofy smile, witless banter, hopeful intentions and anger at messing them up. Just his stupid laugh and the way he'd put his arm around me awkward, unmeasurable. Stupid. Sweet. Just his tender kisses, his arms pulling me in and his tongue on my mouth exactly how I liked it.

Then he had to move, that bitch, and go fuck it all up.

That's when I realized how much more MYSELF I was without him there. I wouldn't have to worry about lying about my feelings anymore. I could be free and flirt with any hot guy; I could talk to my friends honestly and have fun with them without the pressure of worrying if I should be spending time with him instead; most of all though, I could breathe. I could breathe the air around me - no sexual tension, no overexaggerated attempts to impress someone who didn't know me for me and probably wouldn't have fallen for me if he did. He didn't love me. He loved his idea of me, his take in his head on who I was to him.

And that needed to change.

Besides that, not having him there made disloyalty a lot easier. I'm not saying that me getting romantic with about 10 different guys on 20 different occasions is right, I'm just saying I had an excuse.

I needed someone who wasn't just my boyfriend. I needed a nice guy FRIEND who I could hit on when I wanted but still always go back to that friendship.

I'm a truly terrible person when it comes to relationships, and when I think about him I realize I owe him a lot. It was in his presence that I taught myself to flirt... for real, how I wanted to and how I could. His existence made me a hell of a lot more easygoing about guys and sexual shit. He made me feel beautiful for the first time in my life.

Most of all, though, I learned the hard way that you can't be someone you're not.

And now... NOW... I'm finally free.

I have to turn my head until my darkness goes.

Yeah... Heroes addiction lately... mmhmm... fun-ness...

God, I've been so bored. I try distracting myself with drawing, writing, playing guitar, manga or TV (explanation for the above statement -_-)... and nothing is fucking working. Honestly. Humanity should not be allowed to sink in such a state of consciousness low enough to contemplate the purpose of their own existence, but that's where I'm at.

So while we're on the topic: HOW THE HELL DID WE GET HERE?? I don't believe in god or religion or any of that inane shit, but it's way too incredible to comprehend that over millions of years of development (after popping out of a fucking speck in the sky), humanity has become a force to be reckoned with... against the whole fucking universe.

I don't like it. I don't like how powerful our species is becoming. I feel much calmer knowing that we're just more dust in a giant's eye, something that might make a slight whisper but would never resonate loud enough to be heard. I don't want us to cause a collision. I think we should just back off, lighten up, drift slowly farther and farther away.

Hee, I'm getting all poetic now. But seriously, I don't want to be part of something that's not my business. I like calm, quiet, undisturbed - that's the way it should be. And so I'll wait until we piece ourselves together again. We're nothing more than fragments.

But hey, not like it'll ever happen. Humanity's just a bitch. Qwerty <3

And I'm wishing for a dream or two.

I've noticed a recurring pattern in my sleeping habits over the course of the past two months or so. I stay up until about 7 or 8, and then I sleep until maybe 12 noon. 1, sometimes. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. I tell myself over and over to put away the damn computer, put down the fucking sketchbook and just close my eyes, but as soon as the black duvet covers me I'm soaking hot and warped in a sequence of disruptive, incredibly focused chain thoughts. Then a few hours later I crash and I'm a zombie up until it gets dark... when it starts all over again.

Not to say this is always a bad thing. For example, I discovered Gravitation during one of my awakeathons. ZoSan became my OTP III overnight. Needless to say, I get a shitload of blogging done in the pitch black. It's just that there really is a lot more that we need to contemplate, need to deal with while the rest of the world is still awake. Already awake. To me, same difference really. And sunlight blinding you from every angle doesn't exactly make for the best snoozing opportunity.

It's a tough habit to break. I think far too much - this I know - and that's the most likely reason for my insomnia. I can't fall asleep when I'm thinking. Always focusing too hard. It's deeply unhelpful at times when I'm worn out.

These are incredibly difficult standards to go by. I can only hope that I manage to break this habit soon, or I'll be stuck on this carousel for a long, long time.

Qwerty <3

One hand in my pocket.

Rebel / re • bel
1. a person who refuses allegiance to, resists, or rises in arms against the government or ruler of his or her country.
2. a person who resists any authority, control, or tradition.

Hmph. Okay, so people tell me I'm rebellious. So what the fuck is that supposed to mean? Sure, I'm a dead-on serious nonconformist, in with the out crowd, never one to give in to peer pressure and usually totally comfortable resisting what others tell me to do. But does that really make me today's definition of rebel? Just because of the holes in my right and not my left ear (and the one in my stomach... haha), the chunky combat boots, and the overexaggerated eye makeup, people take one glance at me and write me off as some wannabe, faux-punk, out-of-the-system rebel.

And I've gotta hand it to them: that probably IS what I look like.

But thinking about it seriously, I'm an A/B student. I'm smart. I, uh, get along with people, if that makes a difference; I've only talked back to a teacher a few times, and that was when the people around me were in desperate need of it. Sure, I throw stuff in math class, but so does everybody. I've never made a big show of hating America (even though anarchy is my top priority)... and most of all, I really, really, REALLY do not hate my parents.

Daddy's little girl? Sure am, and proud of it. Mom's daughter? Yup, totally. I like my parents. I like them as human beings; I like what they do, how they deal with situations, and how they trust me and treat me like someone their age. They've taught me all I know, and I am in complete debt to them. They are both really fantastic people who I'm very fond of. I'd say that if a stereotype female teenage rebel vows to ignore her familiás and their bidding, then I'm pretty much the opposite of a rebel...

Sure, we don't always get along, but it could have been a hell of a lot worse.

Done, bitches. Qwerty <3